Just Her
by JustWriting97
Summary: Flames to dust.Lovers to friends.Why do all good things come to an end? Clint, I am truly, honestly very sorry for leaving you now, especially when you have found everything that you truly wanted: a family. Don't forget me okay? Please don't. But does Natasha know that Clint wont stop until he finds her or until he takes his last breath, whichever comes first.
1. Chapter 1

**Her Silence, My Speech.**

Budapest is where it all began. 2 years ago I bought the infamous Black widow to SHIELD. 2 years ago we could kill each other just by a glance but then it all changed when Budapest happened. The mission we were assigned was tough and hence SHIELD had sent its most capable agents, me and Natasha. And what a mission it was, I mean being outnumbered by fifty and running out of ammunition, and just when all hope is lost we pull out with victory on our side. It can't really be called victory but as sure as hell felt like it. When we reached our safe house, bruised and battered and extremely exhausted I noticed Tasha clutching her sides. On further inspection after much opposition I had her agreed on me patching her up. We had never really even touched each other before this. So that's where it all started, we went as nothing more than partners and came back as friends. Oh, and if you are wondering about her injury, It was nothing more than a bullet wound. I know a bullet wound is a big deal but something like that is normal in the SHIELD world.

We had many questioning glances thrown our way when we came back to the HQ, why? I guess it was because of the small smile on my face and a gleam in her eyes. You could notice that shine in her eyes every time she was even slightly happy, not that I notice her eyes that much. If she catches you staring at her, you better run and fast, because she will catch you and it isn't going to be good. God, I am rambling again but she has that effect on people. Anyway as I was saying, our new found friendship was just the beginning of many adventures to come. Days came and days went and before you know it we celebrated our third year anniversary as partners together. A lot has changed in these three little years. She smiles more, even though only to me but a smile is a smile. I am more social now, yup that could definitely be said. Before her the only person I talked to would be Phil or Fury, occasionally Hill but only for mission requirements. And look at us now all smiley and social. Yeah things were going great.

The sun shone bright and clear on our third year anniversary, the first year we actually celebrated it. It was just the kind of day I was hoping for. Stretching out of my bed, a small blue box caught my attention. Trudging over to the box I noticed it was actually a gift box. Natasha. Wow, this was special; I mean come on the Black Widow actually getting her partner in crime the Hawkeye a gift. Yeah, it's special in its own little way. Speaking of the gift, I tore off the blue wrapping paper. It held a small box within it with the word ROLEX clearly printed across it. I can't even begin to think about how on sweet earth could she give me a Rolex. I opened the box and all of my doubts were cleared, she bought me a Submariner, the watch of my dreams, the one I hadn't stopped rambling about since forever. Along with the watch there was a small note. 'I hope this is what you wanted. It better be.' A classic Natasha note. I glanced down my new submariner, it was eight thirty; decided to get ready I quickly jumped in and out of the shower, dressed in a pair of faded blue jeans and a white shirt also not to mention the watch. Strapping the watch around my wrist I felt something strange on the reverse side of its dial, I turned it over and what do you know there was a perfectly engraved hawk on it carrying an arrow in its beak. This, I have no idea why, tugged the corners of my lips into a small smile. I was almost out of my room on my way to meet Nat, when I remembered that I nearly forgot her present. I went back in, grabbed her present and walked out again. I knocked on her door thrice before she opened it, a similar smile on her face. Believe it or not this smile of hers was not so rare, at least not to me, however it was very small. You would miss it if you didn't notice it carefully. I walked in her room, scanned around it out of habit and only then did I notice how beautiful she looked. She wore nothing special just a pair of black skinny jeans and a simple flow-y green blue top, as I said nothing special but the way she carried herself in it was amazing. She noticed the gift in my hand, raised her eyebrow in a way only she does and glanced at me. I handed her the gift but said nothing. Words really didn't need to be exchanged between us sometimes, our eyes said it all. She tore the wrapping paper off in a similar manner like I had earlier, opened the box, eyes widened a looked up. I guess awestruck was the word I could use to describe her. I must honestly admit I was scared whether she would like it or not but now taking her facial expression in respect it was safe to say that she indeed liked it. It was a small charm bracelet, from a small store on the out skirts of the city. Nothing fancy, just a silver bracelet. I got it because she wanted to capture some of the few happy memories she had in SHIELD, so I thought maybe she could use a charm bracelet where she could hang a new charm for every pleasurable memory she had. Cliché, I agree but absolutely worth it. It even had a small arrow charm attached to it. Our eyes already had spoken the unsaid words but as to put it to words, we both mouthed a thank you together. The rest of the day was more or less like any other. Breakfast, lunch followed by a movie and dinner and all that jazz. And just like that our day was over. Once it was well over midnight we sat on the roof of SHIELD HQ with two cups of coffee by our sides while our legs dangled of the edge of the parapet and our eyes glancing skywards pretending to be awestruck by the sight of a million stars although the night sky was completely bare. She was the first who opened up the topic. Confided me in all the things that she hadn't to anyone before, things which were well in the past yet their scars were as fresh as it had happened yesterday. We took turns in telling the nightmares of our past and fears for our future. And when there was nothing left to say, she broke the silence by telling that she trusted me, gave me a one sided hug and called it a night.

It could be said without a mistake that our anniversary was where our relationship as friends took flight, spending our days off in each other's company and likes and dislikes. People took notice but didn't mind, none wishing to have their limbs amputated by either of us. There was this place about a mile and a half from HQ, a café going by the name which always escapes me so we just called it 'Our Regular'. It was a small comfy looking coffee house with an open mike session, you know where one can sign up for the day and sing no matter who you are and where from. We usually would spend our Saturday afternoon's there if we were lucky enough to have the day off. And every time we were there, I could always sense Nat's wish to go up there and sing, of course she never allowed her stubborn little self to do it. "Hey Nat, why don't you go up and sing?" She noticed that I called her Nat and raised an eyebrow in question but smiled anyway. She, I knew, would never go up there and sing no matter how much you convinced her. So instead of pushing her to the stage like I was planning to, I led by example. Signed my name up, grabbed a guitar and surprised the one person who could never be surprised. The song of my choice was from the country genre, I thought it gave a good soothing contrast to our fast hectic life. I end the song with a smirk towards Nat who, I must admit, looked absolutely stunned even if only for a second before she pulled her mask back on. And with that we headed back to headquarters.

We crossed the line between friends and friends with benefit, six months later, while on a mission in Egypt. I was posing as a merchant looking for the top notch artillery while she was a belly dancer in the bar we were to deal. Oh man that girl knows how to move her hips. I could bet every man in the room was swooning over her, heck I was having a difficult time keeping focus. Finally my prayer was granted and we completed our mission when Nat lured him to a room and finished the job. I knew exactly how the night was going to end if she was willing to go with my thoughts as well. And just as planned, the tension between us became too much and gave in. It was rough, tough, and hard and nothing like one would dream. It was us. No words of love, affection or anything like that, just us breathing, moaning and groaning. That night we slept wrapped in one another's embrace, enjoying the comfort of having someone beside you. The sun dawned on us like any other morning, the events of last night unspoken of but never forgotten. Though nothing changed between us because of that night something was definitely different. Open could be the word, I mean we became more comfortable around each other if not more close.

This then became our ritual; we would blow off steam and relax in the same way after every mission. And the more we did it the softer she became towards me and me to her. I guess we became more protective and possessive. We both knew there was something more to us then just being friends but I wasn't ready to put that into words and I knew neither was she. So we carried on whatever it was that we were. Saturday afternoon's spend in 'Our Regular'place, me singing and she would watch silently as I strummed the guitar.

It was September, if I am not wrong that she named our relation, complicated and she was right, it was complicated. It was like we were silently committed to one another. It wasn't love, she said, maybe it's just having something to hold on to, someone to trust and someone to have your back.

I realized just how long we had been alone, that it was comforting to have someone to relate to, share and accept to. Though we weren't actually dating, we never planned on dating anyone else. Well except the occasional flirting with the girl with the girl who served us coffee at 'Our Regular'place. Carmen her name was.

Soon Christmas came and Christmas went, both of us were busy with our mission. Don't know why but SHIELD just decides to send us on solo mission during any festive occasion. So yeah, we end up greeting each other over the phone, hearing her voice just makes things feel better, knowing she too is in just as a sucky mission as I am in. Christmas was the same. I bet Fury works just to kill us. I came back earlier than expected from the mission, I guess about four days after Christmas, 29th December. I guess I would be celebrating New Year alone again. Not that we had the time to ever actually celebrate it. I walked in to my living quarter, physically soar but mentally glad nonetheless, hoping maybe Natasha would be able to make it home early. I was about to make a bee line to the shower when the huge box on my bed captured my attention. I didn't even have to double guess about it, it would obviously be from Natasha. How does even manage to send me a present in the middle of her mission. I opened the long box to find a perfect, metal bodied, feather light bow, and state of the art and new on the market. To be frank about it, she always out does me in the gifting department. Man, I forgot to get her a present. I was just about to bang my head on the wall for my stupidity when I noticed a small note hanging from my new bow. And ironically it read 'Don't beat yourself up for forgetting about my present, which I believe you did. You could however make it up to me by dinner-N'. I swear only she could make me feel guilty and happy at the same time.

She came back from the mission on third January. I know New Year is now two days old but it still feels new to me, now that I have some company. And true to my word I made up to her by taking to her for dinner. It was big, fancy restaurant, the kind where people are always too serious in formal suits and tie, dim lights and excellent not to mention expensive choice of wine from around the world. Between you and I SHIELD practically pays you a gold mine. Anyway I started my habit of rambling, back to the topic. I chose this restaurant with the thought that it may make her feel special; knowing she never had a reason to before. She was a bit hesitant at first but then something passed through the scary mind of hers and I could see the mischief in her eyes. Not wasting a second more than necessary she dragged me inside, flirted with the waiter to find us a seat when none when available, sat down and contemplated on what to other. By this time I had caught on to her act and happily played along. When the waiter came to take our order we nearly killed him with frustration ordering everything we knew would never be available her. I mean cheese pizza in a bloody five star restaurant. I swear only our minds could work like this. Finally after fifteen minutes we settled for something the waiter was thankful was on the menu. The dim, silent ambience of the restaurant was a bit too heavy for such a lovely evening like this when the music was so slow and a few couples were waltzing around the pristine marble dance floor. Natasha heavily stomped her stiletto clad foot on the ground and that was the sign that she had enough of this act. She sneakily went behind the stereo system, jiggled with some records and soon an upbeat dance number played on. She hurriedly came back to our table and pulled me on to the dance floor. The couples who had been waltzing were completely taken by surprise but welcomed the change anyway. Natasha's stilettoes were long gone and we began dancing to the fast beat song. And just when we were getting comfortable with the other couples and music died half way in to the song. Our waiter was now on his nerve ends. I gave Nat a quick glance which exchanged a lot in our own way, she smiled, grabbed my hand a soon we were running out for the door, passing our bill on the main desk to the door. By the time we had made it out of the restaurant, Natasha was laughing wildly, something she rarely did, in fact this was the first time she laughed so freely in front of me. We ran around the corner of the restaurant and then slowed down to a slow walk. "Okay, I am never taking you to another five star restaurant ever again" I said breathlessly, while laughing at the same time. Man, I loved to fool around at times like this, it's like we are teenagers again; something we never had. We had crossed another block when I realized we had forgotten our coats in the restaurant and Nat didn't even had shoes on. "Aren't you feeling cold?" I asked, smoke coming out of my mouth. Her answer was simple and expected. "I am Russian; this practically is summer for us." So I made a note to myself, Russians don't even feel cold when the others freeze. Great.

Time flied pass us quite quickly. Another two years had gone by. She was called on a solo mission, to go under cover as Natalie Rush man to Stark Industries, while I was stationed at Mexico supervising the tesseract. Natasha would have called it guarding the tesseract but clearly I was keeping eye on it. Hawk eye does not guard anything. Guards guard things. Things weren't any fun from there. As we all know the whole Loki incident took place, I was played like a harp by him, and attacked god knows how many agents plus tried to kill Nat. Well that was that until she gave me a cognitive recalibration which is just a fancy word for concussion. To say I was furious at Loki would be just as true as the sky is blue with a dash of understatement. But being who we are we prepared ourselves to climb the steep way up hill to victory once again. Loki was defeated and peace was restored back on earth yada yada yada. And I wasn't able to put an arrow through his eye, but I am back and that's all I care about. Well that and Natasha.

Tony decided to make Stark tower the Avengers tower. I guess it has a ring to it. He asked all of us to move in. We all did, me and Natasha, with the hope that maybe this is it, maybe this finally is a place called home. Natasha would never admit it but she really liked the idea of having someone else there for her other than me and Phil. I was happy and I could tell she was too. The members of the Avengers fit together as good as peanut butter and jelly, personally not my favorite but I really just wanted to say it. Anyway life was as good as it could be if not better. Sundays was movie night, Monday's breakfast for dinner, Tuesday to Thursday work, work, work and Friday to Saturday was what we called spontaneous days for the many unplanned fun we had out of nowhere. Slowly the feeling of us, the avengers, being a time bomb crept away and was replaced by a feeling of having like-minded people with you. Of course there were many exception like Tony with his sarcasm, Cap and his virgin mind, Bruce with his science and finally Thor with is hilarious misunderstandings about Earth. While there yet remained Pepper, me and Natasha with our exception, but it isn't as weird or bone tickling as the others.

It was a Saturday, the spontaneous day two, and naturally Tony announced it as a beach day after 6pm when the sun was just half an hour away from saying goodbye until tomorrow. The idea was more welcomed than I had originally anticipated it to be. Seems to me, Tony had already packed the miscellaneous items that we would need on the beach into his car and all that remained was for us to get dressed. Being as fast as we are it could have taken all us nearly two minutes to dress at tops. We reached our destination in another five minutes, where the golden sands were secluded and the sky was tainted in purple and the last shades of oranges. The sun itself seemed like a semi fireball drowning into the sea. By the time the sun had finally been submerged in to the deep blue, a hammock was tied between the two palm trees, our towels lay forgotten on the sand and a bonfire had been lit. The whole thing had this unexplainable ambience to it, something that just made you relax and carefree. I guess it could be called the type of atmosphere where you wish there was some rocking background music playing that exactly represented you mood. Well we weren't completely sans music, if you consider the sound of the waves that accompanied the strumming guitar in my hands and the sweet chorus that we all sang in, music at all. By 9 pm I had retired as the guitarist while Bruce claimed it. Pepper and Tony swayed around the bonfire and Natasha and I decided to do the same after much compellation from Pepper. The 10 bottles of alcohol we had bought had now been half emptied by the modest Cap and the ever so shy Bruce. I think it says enough and the rest is left to the imagination. And by any chance the imagination train is rusted, the hangover they had the following day would surely tell everything.

It was the peak of autumn and destiny decided to test us gain because having an alien invasion on earth was cherry pie. The events that followed started off all too ordinarily: Natasha was assigned a solo operation, the mission would take approximately five days and the procedure was a simple get in, get the files and get out kind of thing. Location: Estonia. She packed her bags, strapped her boots and walked out like she had done innumerable times. Five days if could imagine were actually easy, if not consider the fact we had been separated for more than five months on end. Five months are agony, five days are hard nonetheless. Day one went easy, day two was incomplete, day three restless, day four ended with anticipation and day five broke my heart. She had been compromised, kidnapped and her location unknown. Just call it perfect.

How in the world of candy clouds and unicorn land does Shield not know her location? Really, I mean we work in the best company of Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division and they have no idea whatsoever about my partners whereabouts. And Natasha, how dare she even think about getting compromised in my absence not to mention on a solo operation. There is sure going to be hell showering on SHIELD courtesy Clint into Fury's office, my anger was brighter than the radiant sun that may rise tomorrow if I haven't destroyed the world until then. I asked a simple question: How long? I wasn't expecting an answer, rather just a freaky raised eyebrow but just to give me another surprise within two hours he did reply. Natasha has been off the radar since day three and this one eyed eagle called my boss decides to tell me now when I have almost destroyed base by just barging in. SHIELD's board of freaking director has already called her a disposable agent. If there are two words in the whole of the wide universe that don't go together are Natasha and a disposable agent. God, don't they recognize that she is SHEILD's best agent ever, one eyed Fury sees it better than them and if they can't help me then it's time to go old school.

The Avengers tower was at risk of breaking down when I told them about Natasha's situation and SHIELD'S accidental incapability to help. Well the tower wasn't at risk of breaking down, it had already been shattered with an upset Pepper, angry Thor, Cap, a slightly green and an indifferent Tony. Well, he was indifferent until one of the fine lines on his forehead crunched up to make that face he does when he gets a genius idea. Before anyone Pepper could exclaim a cry, worrying for her only female friend in the whole expanse of the tower, the man of iron as called by Thor had already pulled out his computers, flicking away his digits on the screen until he gave up three hours later. Nothing, we could find nothing about her or her whereabouts. Heck, I don't even know where to begin looking for her, I was assured by now that she was nowhere near Estonia because if she was she could have contacted us in the blink of an eye when she sensed the danger not to mention she would burn down the whole place or either just chop of their limbs one by one all with a smile on her face. No, this was beyond serious.

* * *

Hey Guys,

I am kinda new to this whole and i would really appreciate your help and reviews. If you have any suggestions please comment on it and i'll make sure to improve on it. Pls review and let me know how i did.

Thnx.


	2. Anywhere but here

Chapter:2: Anywhere but there.

We were all gathered in the common living room, thinking, maybe hoping and mostly praying for an answer. Wish granted. Hill popped up on a screen in front of us, and by the looks of it she was all business as usual. "Avengers, listen carefully, I don't have much time but the SHIELD radar was picked up a large level of unknown chemical production and consumption in about the whole of Russia. Now what I say next is crucial so listen carefully, there were about 35 Black Widows left after the supposed crash of the Red Room, they all dropped off the radar with the end of their company, all except Black Widow 026 aka Natasha. We knew all of the Widow's location however they never posed much of a threat but for the past two months they have been mysteriously lost. Their location was unknown until the day Natasha was abducted. Black Widow 006, 012, 013 are dead and by the looks of it Natasha is next. This is all I know, I will try to pick up more along the way." She paused, almost seemed conflicted for a moment and then continued "Sorry I can only do so much, Barton bring her back…" we could hear someone opening the door and call out her name and with that the screen went black. I looked around the room, their faces held the look that betrayed their shock while their eyes were brimmed with determination. I was never more indebted to Maria as I am now. Now what? For one, we now know that Natasha and the bastards are in Russia but where? And seeming to read my mind Cap asked the question out loud. Tony and Banner were already trying to locate their exact position, while I remained glued to my seat and stuck with my thoughts. What if we can't find her? What if we are too late? What if – my train of thoughts were broken by a loud exclamation of frustration coming from Tony. "I can't seem to pick up their location, they are bouncing of the location like-like hell" He was pulling on his hair trying to keep calm while Banner took a try. Sensing my misery, Cap slipped into the seat next to me, while Pepper bought us the much needed coffee. "I know how you feel Barton, having your love pulled away from you. But you are not alone here Barton. You have us now, you have a family. Just hold on. We'll bring her back in no time."Cap's words were like a broken umbrella in a heavy rain, useless but reassuring. Over the few months we have stayed at the Avengers Tower, Natasha really made an effort to make everyone comfortable. Her ways might have been inefficient at first but later she just gets her way. Like the time she set Tony's designer suits on fire and then he had s'mores around them. And whenever Thor comes to stay, we have s'mores every night while Tony hides his suits with very little success. The guys I suspect suspected of being more than partners but never said anything. When we had completed 3 months of living together in the Tower, Cap revealed that Natasha was like the little sister he never had and Banner delightfully agreed. Tony on the other had said that she is the sister he never had.

Another day had passed, 50 empty on thecoffee cups together lay table and not a single news about her. This was it, I could no longer sit here and think what to do, I had to go Russia, I don't know her location yet but if it means knowing on every door, of every building in every town of Russia, then I'll do it. But it can't be that easy can it? Because we know the Chemicals are being produced in Russia, But the morons who have Natasha can't be such idiots to give away their location that easy and plus the dead black widow's showed up at different location.

I swear if I don't find Natasha the way that she left; I will kill those bastards and bring them back to life just to kill them all over again. By now the urge to do something, anything was so overwhelming that I just couldn't say still. All of us had gathered in to the living room, around the computer screen, thinking of a plan to proceed with. I mean we have got to come up with something. At two pm we had decided that Bruce would go Estonia and see if he could pick up some information about the mission status there and how exactly was Natasha taken. Everyone agreed and Banner ran up to his room to pack the few essential he would need in Estonia. Bruce came back an hour later, and caught the earliest flight which happened to be at 9pm. We could have borrowed one of SHIELD''s jet but they have long since given up on the search. It's been six days since the incident and they have already given up, sometimes I feel that they don't even want to try as they always had a hard spot for her since the very beginning when I bought her in. I guess some grudges are never meant to be wiped clean no matter how hard she tries.

Bruce caught his flight and flew to Estonia. Pepper had to leave to handle some sudden official matters of the Stark industry. The tower was empty safe for me, Tony and Cap. Tony was currently further explaining the whole bouncing of locations to Cap, while I searched for a pattern in their location but I had no such luck. Not only did these bastards have some guts, they were technologically way beyond the sky. I stared at the screen until my eyes leaked and stars swam across my vision, heck it's been three days since I had a proper nap. Steve, being the leader he is, decided that we should take turns watching the screen while the others sleep. My mind was half dazed and half desperate, I was in no condition to oppose and my eyes naturally shut to sleep. Waking up after five hours, I felt like a new man determined to go to the world's end to get what he wants. It as Tony's and Steve's turn to catch up on their sleep, two hours into it, Tony had already began mumbling a string of algorithms to hack in to the world satellite system and Steve was trashing around, kicking every now and then.

Finally they woke up to a new day, seven days since Natasha's been missing. Together we stare at the screen looking for even the slightest pattern of something helpful. I had to blink after staring at the screen for a good long two minutes and that's when Bruce took the opportunity to pop up on another screen. His face was wrinkled in a frown his talk tone meant business. "Guys" he began. At this time I blinked twice for a good measure to clear my head of any muddle. "I have been to all places where Natasha was seen, talked to a couple of guys and it seems that Natasha was taken from an office building just outside of town. Two guys saw about fifteen heavily armed men carrying a Red headed girl, I believe is Natasha, to sleek black car, one of many present in the area. They said they didn't contact the police as they didn't want to get into any trouble." At this point he stopped, look a behind his back and then continued again not before Tony interrupted "So Banner how exactly did you get this info?" Bruce gave out a sigh and turned the camera so that we could see two men tied to chairs and apparently scared enough to pee in their pants. "I just went green" was all he said. "Listen I can't get any more information out of them, so I'll just sedate them and let them go. Meanwhile I will search for every little piece of information on her mission here even if it's the last thing I do, I promise." I thanked him with the something a little more than a thankful, something only a close bond like our little mismatched family had formed and then he signed off. A good eight hours later Maria decided to make an appearance on the screen with some new intel. This time she was in her personal living quarters, sitting on the small desk with heaps of scattered paper all around her. "Avengers listen good and carefully, I will not repeat myself, SHIELD satellite has received some strong network footage coming off from an unknown destination. Now I have not looked up into the videos but I think u guys should" Not long before she had even finished the sentence, Tony had already hacked into the database and snatched all the footage Maria was talking about. She wanted to continue but Cap sensed it and stopped her. "No need to send us the footage Agent Hill, stark has already managed to receive them in his computer." She squinted her eyes and continued to speak indifferently. "Let me know if you find anything else. Agent Out." The screen went black only for a second before Tony started playing the footage. The video was in a plain, empty room with two large metal hooks hanging from its hip top ceiling. The screen went blank for half a second and then there she was. Natasha. Pepper chose to walk in, in exactly that moment only to catch our attention by her cry. No, no absolutely no, this can't be her and yet it is. The girl in the video was hung above the ground by her hands which were cuffed to the hooks on the ceiling. Her hair veiled her face which was the only thing that was keeping me sane, keeping me from falling apart because once I knew that this girl is non-other than my partner, my best friend I would go girl had long gashes along her body, bruises the size of a golf ball and blood stains by the litre. There were hushed voices speaking in the background, talking in an unknown language or perhaps a language I did not care to recognize, heavy boots began making their way to the girl, grasped a handful of the red locks and yanked her head back. This was it, no more denying the girl in the video was My Natasha.

There were hushed voices speaking in the background, talking in an unknown language or perhaps a language I did not care to recognize, heavy boots began making their way to the girl, grasped a handful of the red locks and yanked her head back. This was it; no more denying the girl in the video was My Natasha. I wasn't sure if I let out a small gasp or screamed out on top of my lungs but I could hear something similar being exclaimed by the other. Pepper just turned around blocking herself out of the screen and into Tony's chest, Tony himself was shocked beyond comprehension and Cap let out a choked cry of her name. Thinking back over the time I really don't remember my exact reaction, I do however remember some of my hair on the floor when I had pulled on them in frustration. The man in the video was above average height easily reaching Natasha while she was hung like that. She wasn't moving, wasn't struggling to break free, she was just so still. The monster of a man asked her name while he played a sharp blade across her neck. She swallowed invincibly, letting out the tears in her green orbs and answered "Natasha Romanoff". He growled, she whimpered and then he ran the blade across her already bruised cheek. He spoke again in his heavy coated voice telling her again and again that she was the Black Widow, no longer Natasha. The screen went blank so did my mind.

I woke up to the sight of Bruce noting my blood pressure and temperature; he forcefully slipped a medicine down a throat and asked me to relax. I was beyond confused and why in the world was I tied down on a bed? Then like a wave of the blue oceans in malibu everything came back, Natasha going missing, the video, everything. I thrashed against my restraints, begged Banner to free me and finally was set so. He told me I had been down for two days. Shit, two days longer Natasha had to suffer, the fire in my heart lapped up to face emerging in the form of a tight set jaw and wrinkled brow. I ran to the living room, everyone had already assembled around the projected screen, Banner was close behind me and I didn't even bother asking him when he returned from Estonia and what else he found out, none of it mattered now. Entering the room, I was greeted with hesitant and pained eyes. This was bad wasn't it? I looked Cap right in to the eye asking him a question that didn't reach my lips. He just pointed towards the screen and told me that this footage was from the day before. I braced myself for the worse only to receive the worst. The man was there again, nothing much changed in the video than from last time but only this time Natasha was blindfolded. She wriggled against her bound, already knowing what was coming for her. The man walked up to her, shoulders straight and chest wide, a wide grin playing on his face. He held up a syringe smiling manically before plunging it into her chest. The yelp she gave out was heartbreaking. But that's not where it ends, for the first time in my whole life of being partnered with Natasha; I had never once heard her beg that is until now. Her body immediately shook with wild spasm and then she completely stopped. Two minutes passed, three then four and finally after five minutes of going stoic she feebly called out for her mom. Her mom was dead when she was just a child and yet here she was calling out to her. For a second, just for a second I thought that maybe this was it. Natasha was leaving us, leaving us to live with her mother in heaven now. Her small yelps were now strong cries, cries then turned to struggles and struggles back to desperate cries.

The man came back to view, looked straight in to the camera and said the following "Dear avengers I am Jordon Petrovich son of Ivan Petrovich and the Black Widow belongs to me. So stop trying to get her. You never will. So I advise you stop trying.

AN: The end of chapter two. Please review and let me know how I did. You suggestions are always welcomed. Thanks once again.


	3. Almost There

A special thanks to noondancr, you really lifted my spirit. And guest: Thank for your review and i'll keep your suggestion in mind. THANK YOU.

Chapter 3: Almost there.

I was pacing around, she was trembling, my heart was racing, hers was flat lining, and I was losing control. Would I lose her too? Jordan had disappeared from the screen, giving us the time to glance around at one another, although I looked at no one. There was a low grumble from Bruce, his eyes turning a light shade of green, breathing labored. That was about all the time we got. The screen was back on again this time Nat was on the ground hugging her knees close to her chest. She had her eyes wide open, no longer blindfolded, glistening with unshed tears of joy? She seemed happy. Why? I stared at the screen, staring at the small smile playing at her cracked lips, and then she began talking to the empty room. No more accurately she was talking to her mother in the empty room. She spoke like a child, soft and naïve, telling her mother about her day. This wasn't anything to be happy about, she was hallucinating badly and yet there was a small part in my heart that was happy for her, happy to see the shine in her eyes. Her family died when she was five, I don't think she remembers much about them but here she was, having a conversation with her mother who is dead like she knew her though out her life. Nothing changed in the next three and a quarter minutes, after that her eyes changed, facial expressions hardened and happiness stolen away. She began yelling violently, flipping from Russian to English, begging her mom to stay, begging the invincible attackers to let her go. She tried standing up now, stumbling at first and then limping in to a run, trying to catch up with the invincible attackers. She fell as soon as she began running, screamed at the wall and sunk back down to the ground. She clutched her hair, pulling on them hard and strong. "Stop! Please stop it! No, no" she roared and went limp. And then I noticed it, noticed the small bump on either sides of her temples. What the heck was that? In a frantic attempt to calm my heart from further misery I took a risk and asked Tony what the thing in her head was. The answer anyway added the missing ounces of misery to my heart. According to his expertise, the thing was an internal Taser. That effing bastard called Jordan could do that to her anytime he wished but, as there always is a but, if he uses that more than a certain number of time then Nat could go into cardiac arrest. The screen was blank once again. There were hushed voices going around, everyone was talking about what should be done and this and that and I had it. This was breaking point. I needed control over something, and since I wasn't gaining control over the situation, I decided that maybe I could buy some control, even if just for a little while. "Our Regular" would be the only place for my current and urgent need.

I marched up to the door, banged it open only to receive glares from the current customers, walked up to Carmen and kissed her. The rest was as I wanted. She was surprised at first but once the initial shock had worn out she replied that she wanted to do that in a long time. She looked over my shoulder to see if Natasha was there too, once she was satisfied that I was alone for the night she, she took off her apron and asked the other barista to cover for her. We drove to her apartment in her car, all the while she narrated her story of how she always had eyes for me but never wanted to interrupt because she thought me and Natasha were an item. I was silent through the whole ride. Maybe what I am doing is wrong, my heart felt so, but my head wad stronger and won the argument. We reached the apartment, wasting no time I carried her all the way to her bedroom, shut the door, switched off the lights and shut of my protesting heart. By the time I realized that all this is wrong it had been a little too late, I was naked, she was naked and the act long since committed. I gave in to the moment and slept a much needed sleep. I woke up with the rising sun and my growing senses. I redressed quickly and left a sorry note. I was truly sorry. Sorry for my unjustified senses, sorry that I betrayed Natasha and sorry for myself. I ran back to the Tower in hopes that maybe we found out something useful about Natasha. I entered the already full living room. Everyone had a questioning look on their face. Cap even said "Please tell me you didn't do anything stupid." He was just about to say something else when Tony yelled that he got it. He jumped up and down like the jack in the box but this wasn't the time for calling on his action. I felt everyone take a sharp breath waiting for Tony to finish his sentence. "I have got Natasha's location"

That's it. We have finally found her after 12 days. Where? In a private island off the coast of Thailand. How? Those morons followed the same path to bounce off the satellite address obtainer. I fell down on my knees in gratitude to god or relief, which I can't remember maybe both. No more than twenty nine minutes, we had packed our required equipment; Pepper got the private jet ready and in no time we were in the air to Thailand. Time to reach destination: 7.5 hours just because it was Tony's jet, if it were a commercial one god knows when I would have Natasha in my arm. Once in the ridiculously furnished interior of the plane I started checking over my weapons. I had a strong feeling that we were going to need them. But then again we had Bruce or the other guy with us as well. Two hours later when I had checked over all the guns over ten times, Cap and Tony came over by my seat. They handed me Tony's computer and just nodded towards it. I slowly glanced down on the screen, Natasha was there and so was Jordan. Bruce I absent mindedly noticed had been in the far corner of the jet for a reason. He was scared that he might Hulk out anytime now. I locked my eyes back on the screen.

The room was the same except for the new stains of blood on the floor. Natasha was forced to stand up by two guards by her hair. She refused at first but changed her mind once she recognized the consequences of her actions. Jordan then walked in the room with the air of vanity and arrogance in every fiber of his being. He looked straight into her eyes, cupping her cheeks hard enough to leave new bruises. He spoke slowly and deliberately, drawing out the sentence in to a long breath. "Today you'll make your first kill all over again Black Widow." She shook her head twice, lips trembling and eyes wet. The guards let go of her once a small boy about the age of six walked in. They handed her a pistol which she flinched from. Jordan by now had taken some steps back, and calmly encouraged her once again, reminding her of the severe consequences, she sucked in a breath as he said that he would kill her mother if she didn't shoot. She accepted the pistol with trembling hands and steadied the aim. The boy puffed out his chest as a sign to accept the inevitable. He walked closer to Natasha on Jordan's command. He warned her that if she didn't shoot on his count then he would simply shoot her mother. She visibly gulped down the retch that was making its way up her throat and put her fingers on the trigger, aiming for the boy's head. Thick tears had clouded my vision; her first kill had always been a sensitive topic for her, often the subject of her nightmare. But beyond any on this hadn't she realized the fact that her mother had passed away long ago. To what extend had they brainwashed her into believing that her mother was yet alive? My question was answered when I heard a gunshot ring out from the video and Natasha's body hitting the ground with the dead boy's. Jordan, not even slightly affected by this, patted Natasha on her back, congratulating her on her first kill. He then proceeded to take out a remote from his jacket, staring intently in to her eyes as he pressed the button, releasing multiple shocks in her body through the internal Taser. She clutched her chest then her head, screaming with agony. Once the shock had worn out, she fell in a crumpled heap on the ground, twitching every now and then. The screen once again faded to black.

My fists were curled up in tightly around the seat. "This came in yesterday." Cap informed me, his eyes darting around everywhere but me until they finally settled on his shoes. "And according to the Taser reaction, she hasn't got much time left." He finished, wetting his lips to continue but this time to let out some words of encouragement and hope. Tony beat him to it "Hey, listen we are half way there and by the time we get on the god forsaken island we'll have Natasha out in no time. She just has to hang on for a few hours more. And don't we all know her? She's Natasha Romanoff; she will hang on until the very end to kick our butts for being this late." Bruce had made his over to us, checking over the medical kit once again. He sighed, letting us know that he had something to say. I by this time had made no efforts to raise my head from the seat cushions or even give him a glance; instead I just let out an encouraging moan. "You know they never meant for us to see these videos. It just happen-" My head jerked back, eyes instantly on Bruce and mind alert. "What do you mean they never intended for us to watch the footage?" I asked instantly along with Tony. "They wanted to remake the whole Red room and they wanted a perfect video history if they ever succeeded. Only this time they wanted the Black Widows to be stronger and indestructible so they reprogrammed them through intense hallucination. While sending these videos to the fellow KGB agents the videos must have jumped off their tracks and we caught them on our radar." He finished with another sigh, turning his head away towards the window. There were a lot of questions swimming in our minds right now, I just happened to voice one of them. "And what about the time when Jordan actually addressed the Avengers?" The answer was plain that was supposed to be the only video that we were actually supposed to see. We just got lucky and caught up on the other tapes but somehow it doesn't feel that lucky.

An hour later we were on the tropical coasts of Thailand, followed by another forty five minutes in to the white waves heading for the island. Our plan was simple: Attack. Tony would attack from up top while the rest of us were going the old way. We took out one of the two guard boats and Tony took out the other. Everything was going just as planned. We washed up the beach of the island just as Tony landed. Wasting no time, we took off for the sole building on the isle. There were about fifty guards who silently fell with arrows sticking out their skulls. We slowly made our way down the depressing hallway, dimly lit with golden lights giving the place a more eerie look. We came to the end of the hallway which led to two different paths. We gave each other a single look and parted ways. Bruce was with me on the right while Tony and Cap ran to the left. We reached the only door in the pathway, turned the metal door to no avail and then finally banged it off its hinges. I was done being quite. Surprisingly we didn't have to face any more guard. The only man in front of us, behind the metal desk was the monster himself. Jordan. I took a step in the room, bow raised, arrow ready catching him by surprise.

It only took a second for me to lose my concentration as Rogers's voice rang out my comm. "Barton, we found her, Bruce get here immediately. It's getting really bad, Hurry!" That was all it took. Bruce ran out of the room as Jordan took out his gun and shot me once. The bullet that was meant for my heart, lodged into my bicep. Just as he noticed he missed his shot, I was already by his face. Eyes locked on his ready to kill. But he smirked "Not so soon, Agent Barton. Or your little Widow dies." He pulled out the Taser remote pressing on it once. Natasha's scream was instantaneous and loud. "Oops! Too late" he finished.

AN: End of chapter Three. Thanks for reading. Please leave a review to let me know how I did. Your suggestions are always welcomed. Thanks for reading once again.

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	4. Lost somewhere on the way

Chapter: Lost somewhere on the way

I could have sworn there were actual stars dancing around Jordan's head. The blow delivered to his head by me had knocked him out cold, the remote falling on the ground with a satisfying thump. I wish I could have finished him off then but there really wasn't any time to waste and a quick, merciful death is something he didn't deserve, something I wouldn't give him. I slung him over my shoulder like a coal sack, running off towards the scream, towards Natasha and towards my heart. I reached there before I could blink. Once there I wished I had taken more time because this wasn't the sight I was prepared for. Tony had his mask off, holding Natasha's hand above her head, screaming franticly in to his link asking Pepper to send a SHIELD jet on the given location while Rogers was holding her legs from trashing in order to prevent any unnecessary motion while Bruce performed an impromptu surgery. He was drenched in sweat trying to make a precise incision on the left side of her temple. Suddenly the tiled floor beneath me felt colder even through my heavy soled combat boots. I dumped Jordan in a corner, and took small, hesitant steps towards them. I knew I could trust Bruce but what the heck is this man up to? I watched as he gradually took out a small metal plate from her temple, the internal Taser. I let out a breath I never knew I was holding, relived. Maybe I was relieved to soon. She started twitching violently again, her body racking with wild spasms, lips uttering words of unspeakable agony. My hypnotic trance was broken by Steve's stentorian voice, ordering me to help hold her still. Bruce yet had another Taser to extract. I crossed the remaining gap between us and knelt down to hold her gaze. Her eyes were frantic, dancing around the room for the unknown comfort that might come from the white tiled walls, blood a very prominent color on them. I breathed out her name, her eyes landing on mine after an eternity and I couldn't help but let out a chocked sob to match hers. Fear was then replaced with recognition as half of my name died on her lips; Bruce by now was using his tweezers once again to remove the final Taser. Pain was a completely forgotten component by now. She inhaled sharply collecting the energy she didn't have to ask a simple question: Where's my mom? The room paused, reality froze and so did everybody in the room. Tony was no longer keeping her hands locked, Cap did the same, and Bruce seemed panicked. She granted the long silence as her answer and drifted off in to the cusps of unconsciousness. The sound of helicopters and jets got us moving again. They weren't just any planes; by the sound of its engines I could confidently say that it was one of SHIELD's jets. I carried Natasha in a way that proved that another sudden movement could break her into a million irreplaceable pieces. Cap dragged of Jordan. Tony was looking for the remaining Black Widows and Bruce was already outside. I gingerly walked out to the open air, ocean water drops spraying on our faces. Bruce had already riled up the medical team, they ran up to me and tried to take Natasha away. I knew that this was for her own good but I think we have already spend a good deal of time way. I needed to be with her, so I broke a medic's nose and finally got my way. The plane ride was long, broken down in to moments where Bruce used to walk over and update us on her condition. Tony and cap were sitting beside me as Bruce explained to us the essentiality of taking out the Taser the time he did. Tony took the efforts to comfort me but words just didn't seem to register in my mind anymore. Somewhere I remember him telling us that he could manage to find only twelve Widows, the rest were dead.

We reached New York in record time, faster than Tony's private jet. The moments I was talking about previously were now a whirlwind of hours. I didn't know I we had been waiting in the medical wing of SHIELD HQ for ten hours now. Tony, Cap and Bruce were the only ones other than me that filled the waiting room. Finally a doctor made his way and directed me to follow him. I walked obediently expecting the worst, hoping for the best. There was this pain in the center of my chest which I could only explain as my heart banging wildly against my ribcage; it was also leaving faint drumming in my ears. We reached the door of her room; the doctor gave me a moment to gather my breath and quietly opened the door. The small infirmary bed swallowed the already small frame of Natasha, the pale hospital gown bringing out the color of her dull red hair. It was only color in the room save for the light blue sheet that covered her body. I was mentally assessing her wounds and casts while the doctor gave his own opinion and knowledge. So far she had sustained three fractured ribs, one on her wrist and another on her knee. Her shoulder muscles are heavily stretched and under a lot of tension. She also had a severe concussion which they are closely monitoring, full recovery is promised. Well that was the doctor's chart. It was my turn; her heart was played with, burned and then crushed. Her minded was shattered and her body-"Doctor was she raped?" I asked. He replied with a simple yes. How many times, was my next question though it would be hopeless even if I knew? Jordan's fate is already sealed. The doctor couldn't find the exact number of times that she was harassed but an estimate showed that it was over fifteen. The doctor left with a small sigh and hoped a quick recovery for her. I pulled up the cold metal seat next to Natasha's bed and intervened our hands. She had small scars on either side of her temples which would be a reminder for a very long time to come. Her eyes were fluttering behind the closed eye lids but they were anything but frantic. She was relaxed or whatever it is. This wasn't her, it can't be. The Natasha I knew would be up on the bed throwing sarcasm like a billionaire does with his money, not that we are any less than millionaire ourselves. The silence was now too heavy on my shoulder, almost crushing. My heart was now beating steadily and so was hers. I sat by her side until I was sure she wasn't going to be waking up anytime soon. I had some unfinished business with Jordan.

I marched up to the holding cell, giving death glares to the guards on duty.

Jordan was yet unconscious, really and I didn't even use my whole potential. I lifted the large cooler at the corner on the cell and emptied its content on his face. He jolted up at once, he seemed almost angry but it was quickly replaced with control. I bend close to his ear to whisper the following words threateningly in his ears. "Countdown to your death" with that cuffed his hand above his head on the closest wall. And then I made him my new punching bag, always bringing him to an inch closer towards death but not close enough. This was as close I could manage before I completely lost control and whipped out my gun but things aren't getting easier around here and killing him this mercifully was unfair. He didn't deserve a quick death and a gun wasn't my preferred choice of weapon. I briefly left the room to fetch my bow and returned soon. Jordan, by now, was in no state to beg or repent for his action plus even if was capable of this humanly action, I would have never let him go that easy. I aimed the arrow for the nerve on his throat while he tugged on the cuffs. The string was drawn taut and arrow ready, I let him take one last breath and released the arrow. He struck him where it was supposed to. He let out a gruesome noise twitching like a butterfly in a web. But he wouldn't die soon. I walked up to him and undid the cuff making him fall in to heap on the unfurnished cell. He now had two options; keep the arrow there and cut of the oxygen supply to the body of remove the arrow and bleed to death. After making this crystal clear to him, I walked out of the door indifferently but this time with more satisfaction and contentment.

My next stop was, as expected, Natasha's medical room. The once empty room was now occupied with Tony, Bruce, Cap and Pepper. Her bed side had multiple bouquets of tulips and an array of get well soon cards. Pepper seemed glum, having her only female companion in the Tower in such condition. They had actually grown really close as friends. I bet she also is Natasha's only girlfriend. Well there was Hill to count too. Maybe Hill should visit move often. Pepper was the one who had bought the tulips knowing Natasha secretly loved them. She had never confessed her love for flowers to me until just two years before and she goes and tells Pepper in just what months of being friends. Girls, I'll never understand them. The doctor had now attached a dialysis machine to her, hoping to drain most of the hallucinating chemicals out of her system. Thought the room was filled, there was an empty silence lingering in the air. The silence was bittersweet, on one hand we could hear Natasha's steady heart beat while on the other hand it meant that we yet hadn't recovered from the shock of having to watch her go through something so evil and inhumane that it creeps through our spine and settles in to our hearts, there to haunt us forever. Did she have to undergo a similar treatment in the Red Room?

She mentioned stories of her past to me in the dead of those sleepless nights after missions where we contemplate the line of our life. I then exchanged the events of my past, trading our sorrows for thoughtless jokes and happiness for multiplication. Those nights are restless but the best. It's the reassurance of having someone watching your back, of having someone to tell your pitiful woes to and finally having someone to care, But now I guess that this partnership was just one sided where Natasha always had my back. If I were more careful then maybe none of this crap would ever have happened. Maybe If I had just asked her, even thought she would have said no, if she ever needed to my help? Man, this is my entire fault.

I don't know how many times had Tony already called out my name but when he did and I actually listened, the room was already wrapped in a comfortable chat. Bruce, Rogers and Pepper were gathered around Natasha's bed, cracking childish jokes and even laughing at them. I bet the entirety of all my collections of arrows that if by any chance that Nat heard them, then there would be a slightly amused snicker on her face. She neither agrees nor denies that she liked such jokes. The silent hum of the wall clock addressed that the visiting hours were over, so all of them left whispering words of encouragement in her ear and left. The doctor had expected an empty room when she came back to check on Natasha but moving me an inch from the spot beside her bed was an impossible task. I literally sit down on the ground, crossed legged if they even try to budge me out the door. This site had bought a toothy smile on her face countless number of times when we were back from missions, a little worse for wear. But now receiving no reaction from her side it truly bought me to tears. I fell asleep on the chair by her bed with my head on her bed near her IV hooked hands, only to be woken up by small shuffling near me. I sat back straighter, massaging the soreness out of my neck. I looked over on Nat's bed to find her awake, face void of any emotions. She didn't even give me a chance to start and voiced her concern: I was hallucinating; mom was never there was she? I was taken aback; she wakes up after nearly two days and remembers everything like she never missed a thing. I guess I should tell her the truth, she deserves it. I then spent the rest of the dawn telling her everything, from how we think she was abducted, to us finding out followed by us hunting her down and ending by me killing Jordan. She didn't reply to any of it. In fact she didn't reply to anyone, not to doctor who came by to check up on her, not to Pepper who had yet another bouquet of tulips and not to crying me. The doctor described her situation as selective mutism. This happened because, according to the doctor, her body and mind had decided that they had enough of the stress, supported by the trauma she had. He tried convincing me by saying that this condition was only temporary and that she will start talking again once her body is ready. This had severely damped all our hopes, but on the brighter side she could come home in another three days. All the while she remained silent while I tried all sorts of ways possible to try and get her to talk. How long can she keep her feeling bottled up like this? It's almost thanksgiving, checking by watch again, realized that Natasha would be coming home on Thanksgiving. At least I could try and make this holiday a happy event for her but as always the efficient Pepper beat me to it.

Natasha was home in the Avengers Tower in the evening of Thanksgiving, where the whole dining room was filled with mouthwatering treats and the Turkey grandly sat on the middle of the table. Natasha was detached, distant and uncomfortable. We tried having a karaoke session just to lift her spirits but nothing seemed to be working. She was mute all the way from HQ to Avengers Tower and she was mute still. No matter what we try and what we do she was the same. Now it really felt like we had lost a vital piece of Natasha somewhere on that damn island in Thailand. Maybe she just needed more time and space, granted. I mean how long she can stay mute?

It happens so that she can remain like that for quite a long while.

AN: End of another chapter. Thanks for reading guys. As always please review and let me know how I did. If you have any suggestions please leave a comment and let me know But please review. They mean a lot to me. Thanks once again.


	5. She found her way back

Chp:5: She found her way back.

AN: A special thanks to Noondncr. Your reviews are the best motivation to keep me going on with this story.

Things were the same and yet considerably different, we all here present in the Avengers Tower going through the routine activities of everyday life and yet it felt that nothing was the same. Natasha didn't utter a word, moved around like a ghost of who she was and it hurt me a lot, knowing after so many years of partnership she chooses now not to let me in. I mean it's very unhealthy, the way she keeps her feeling bottled up, suffocating any emotions that may spill over the top and stain her perfect reputation. Well damn it. The fine chilly evening of ten days prior to Christmas, we decided it was about time to decorate the Tower. And so piles of decorations were opened from their boxes and the ornamentation began. Bruce and Steve were in-charge of the first half stories of the tower, Pepper and Tony took over the kitchen and I was responsible for the upper stories of the building. Natasha was occupying the roof, sitting on the edge in a sweater too big for her frame, looking over the small cars whizzing by and the small noises of the New Yorkers. She turned around and entered the tower when there was a loud bang coming from the kitchen. We all hurried in to the kitchen only to be tickled by the sight of flour covered Tony and a grinning Pepper in his arms, who noticed us and slightly blushed. Tony immediately let go of her and cleared his throat asking us if we were done laughing and if so should continue the work allotted to us. We all walked back to our respective floor to decorate and that's when I realized how much I missed Nat, I missed having what Tony and Pepper were currently having. I missed joking around with her until there were tears of laughter in her eyes. I missed having those rare moments where I could make her blush. I missed her and she isn't even gone. I was putting up the fancy blue balls around the walls when Natasha walked up to one of the boxes and began doing the same. I heart almost swelled out of my chest with happiness and pure glee. I stopped my work and glanced at her just for a second. Her eyes told the words vividly that were hesitant on her lips. It told me she was ready to come back; she was ready to let me in, ready to be Natasha again.

Well the decorations were done with and all that remained was the Christmas tree. Natasha was there too much to every ones pleasure and joy. She even had a small smile on her face but that happiness was amplified in her green orbs. We all surrounded the huge tree, ornaments raised to make this one heck of a tree, decorated by all of us. By the time we finished, I must agree, the tree looked picture perfect and nothing less. We took a step back and admired our collective work. The star was put up by all of us grabbing one another's hand and then the true spirit of Christmas joy and the gratitude of having a family around us filled us. It isn't even Christmas. That night was the first night since the incident that Nat didn't lock her door albeit it was closed but there was no crying from her that night. I knew she needed her space so I didn't intrude but that didn't stop me from sleeping outside her door just in case she needed me. I heard noises coming from the inside of her room; I shook of my sleep infested mind and stood up just when the door opened up wide. Natasha wasn't surprised to see me, she knew I was always there for her; she just extended her arm and tightened it around my arm pulling me inside, towards the bed. She slipped in under the cover and looked up at me, hoping I would do the same. I did. And just as I got in she curled up around me. I missed this.

The sun was shining, the cars were honking, the birds were twittering and I felt like a new man. Yesterday was the first time I slept peacefully in a long time and I could tell Natasha felt the same. Everything seemed normal now. Natasha joined us for breakfast, lunch, dinner and those Christmas movie meant for kids but secretly liked by all. She didn't speak, she didn't need to, we all could tell she was taking baby steps to recovery and she should take all the time she needs. I this point she had accepted that she should move on and cherish what she has. Five days later she made breakfast. I strolled in to the kitchen when the beautiful steamy smell of freshly baked cinnamon rolls hit me like the morning sun. The rest of them were already there, filled their mouths with as much food as they could. The table was filled with blueberry pancakes, bacon and eggs, French toast, cinnamon rolls, fruit salad and Natasha's special smoothie. Pepper was delightfully indulging in the pancakes while the rest of us swallowed a mixture of everything we could lay our hands on and even that tasted good. Finally Natasha settled down in the chair next to me, nibbling on the French toast, satisfaction written all over her face. Everyone including me commented on her great cooking and even chanced the possibility that she could cook Christmas dinner. We had decided long ago that this year we wouldn't be attending any parties and would just truly relax and enjoy at home with our new family.

Christmas Eve was filled with karaoke sessions and sappy Christmas movies. By the time the last movie had ended, we all had dozed off on the floor as planned. The couches and armchair had been cleared from the living room and was occupied by our sleeping bags. It was what we called 'a family sleep over in the living room'. Christmas morning was beautiful, white snowflakes were gliding in the air, and the sun held a soft glow. We woke up to a Christmas miracle, to the voice of Natasha wishing us a merry Christmas in soft, delicate voice that was nothing like hers and yet it was the most musical thing I heard. Once that melodious voice had registered in our head we all jumped up at once. Steve rubbed his eyes, hoping that this wasn't a dream. Finally after a good minutes every one yelled Merry Christmas together and tackling Natasha in to a massive group huge which was long overdue. Christmas couldn't get any better than this.

Next up was the present exchange ceremony it goes without saying that it was amazing. I nearly forgot how Christmas actually was, last I remember celebrating it was with my family and now here I am celebrating it with my family once again. So far, Steve has got a homemade sweater from Pepper, Bruce had given me a new customized arrow with a long list of its functions, Tony gave Natasha a picture of all us dancing on the beach that day, Bruce has got a new set of state of the art lab tech machines from Natasha and Pepper got and amazing stunning necklace like the one her mom had given to her but she lost it. Well there were more gifts to take in to account but we were hungry for breakfast. After breakfast and when the table was cleared, we moved towards the fireplace with cups of hot chocolate in our hands. We gathered there and decided that there was nothing better to do then share the most memorable, embarrassing and funniest moments of our life. Natasha was leaning on my shoulder as Bruce took his turn and settled on the most embarrassing incident in his life. Tony went with the most memorable , Steve with the funniest, I told the most the most memorable moment in my life and then we glanced at Natasha waiting for her story. She seemed to contemplate for a while then told us a story which included her most memorable, funniest and embarrassing moment. By the time she had finished with a sigh, we were all rolling on the floor, giggling like we were about to die. No offence but it was not only Natasha's story but the fact that we all were in situations too comical to be real, all the stories were however true. Once our giggles were no longer vibrating through the tower, we decided on dancing. Considering that we were yet in our PJ's or as Tony puts it out comfy clothes and that our dance should be the one thing we don't goof at today, we slowly retired to our rooms to change. Pepper asked Tony to grab his outfit and change in my room while she helps Natasha as she never had a chance to shop properly. To say that those two minutes I took to change were easy would be wrong. Tony managed to use twenty freaking minutes to get his hair done right all the while I wasn't allowed to go out of the room. Bruce and Cap had joined us ten minutes prior and were occupying the bed with me while Tony applied his after shave. Finally! We were done. Looking at one another, I noticed, we all were dressed rather similarly. Blue jeans, a T-shirt, an evening coat over it and a scarf. I commented on our outfits and we all smiled at the likeness of our choices. We walked up to the living room and noticed that the girls were already there, the girls included Natasha, Pepper, Maria and Louisa, Maria's assistant and they all looked great. Pepper was sporting a peach colored dress, Maria much to my surprise was in a dress, was adorning a blue one, Louisa was donning a purple mini and then Natasha stood there in the most eye catching green dress which reached just below her knee, the color was flawlessly complementing her eyes and for a second I forgot how to breath. Don't get me wrong, all the ladies looked equally pretty as I could in the guy's eyes but I just had a thing for Natasha. After we had formally greeted our new guests, we took over the dancing thing we dressed up for. Cap held out a hand for Maria shyly and she gladly took it, welcoming the feeling of someone treating her like a lady and not just an agent. Bruce asked for Louisa's permission to dance to which she accepted with a small smile, Tony on the other hand didn't hesitate before pulling Pepper in to his arms. I walked up to Natasha and she did the same, we held out our hands at the same time and smiled. JARVIS started off the music and we began dancing. The music was slow, and perfect giving us the time to stare in the deep abyss of our eyes. Along the easy words of the song were Natasha's softer words of how she missed me and how sorry she is for putting me through this pain and everything else. I proved her wrong again and again, telling her that it wasn't her fault and that she should never be. The song ended just in time as Natasha was convinced that it wasn't her fault and that all that mattered now was here with her. We looked around at the others as they too were held in a trance from which no one would like to break out from. Steve was shy but was enjoying himself and Maria was having a good time too. Bruce and Louisa were discussing experiments and looked like they were meant for one another. Tony and Pepper were lost in their own world; everyone was that is until JARVIS switched tracks and started playing an upbeat song. That was the last song that was played before we realized that the afternoon had changed in to a starry night. Dinner was served at a small unknown diner near the Adirondack Mountains. The view was unadulterated, the stars shining bright and the hardships of tomorrow forgotten. We settled ourselves on the only table that would be able to accommodate all of us and flipped through the menu. The couple running the diner were old and were eager for customers. I was surprised that they didn't close the diner for Christmas. They told us how they didn't have anybody else to celebrate the festival with so being the people we are and recognizing the pain of being alone we asked them if they could join us for dinner. They smiled and agreed. We all ended up having dessert for dinner, pie specifically, all kinds of it, from strawberry to apple to pumpkin to carrot and to mango. This was just the fruit pie. There was also chicken, meat and beef pie. We finished our pies with the feeling of having our insides blow up. That was some good pie. Natasha was happily munching on the last spoonful of her apricot pie and exclaimed that this place was the best better than 'Our Regular'. The elderly couple seemed happier than they were and even gave us complimentary coffee. The feeling of Christmas is the best. We left the diner, promising to come back. This was the best Christmas ever, no it was better than best.

It was another Christmas miracle that we arrived home without bursting with sugar rush on the way. And if anyone thought we can't handle sugar rushes, well they thought wrong because now all the excitement had been drained out of our bodies and the idea of doing nothing suddenly felt excellent. While Maria and Louisa thanked us for the amazing evening they had and bid us goodbye, Steve and Bruce insisted on dropping them of until the HQ. Pepper and Tony wished us goodnight and retired to their rooms. Natasha had a small smirk on her lips as Tony and Pepper left. She pulled me on to the roof and gave me a small peck on the lips. The kiss was small and mind blowing. Once we parted for air, she turned her head the other way to hide the blush that was slowly making its way up her pale cheeks. I guess the pie wasn't enough because I am hungry for more sweetness, the sweetness of her lips. I captured her lips on last time as the clock struck twelve, proving that this was the best end to Christmas.

Everything is fine, everything is beautiful and it just is so dream- like but this isn't a dream, this is the sun rise after a stormy night, the first bloom after a harsh winter, this is Natasha and me happy once again. This is real and I can't believe it. I woke up felling her scarlet curls sprayed over my chest where her head lay, eyes closed and breathing tranquil. "Good morning Nat" I spoke close to her ear, her eyes stayed closed but her lips curved upwards. "Get up before I decide against it" the smile widened and her eyes fluttered open. "Good morning, Hotshot" she replied crawling out of bed, winning a whine from my side. I was her hotshot and she was my hot stuff. Yeah everything was good again.

We had breakfast and agreed for a walk around the city, stopped by 'Our Regular' and as always signed up for the Karaoke session. She as always sat there with a smile and ordered the same caramel cappuccino while I settled for mocha. I sang what I always sang and smiled at her the way I always did. I saw Carmen just behind Natasha, a sad smile marring her face. She walked up to me and Natasha after I had finished and asked if I could talk to her alone. I excused myself from Natasha with a feeling I couldn't quite explain as I followed Carmen. She stopped me before the kitchen area and quietly spoke the words which shocked me, surprised me, delighted and confused me.

"Clint, I am pregnant with your child."

AN: End of Chapter Five. Thanks for reading. I would really appreciate your reviews and comments. Let me know how I did and if you have any suggestions, then they are always welcomed. Thanks once again and please review.


	6. A home without her

CHP:6: A home without her.

The shock was there and so was the surprise. I was surprised because just knowing that you are going to be a father is the happiest feeling in the world. On the other hand I was shocked because maybe I just spoiled Carmen's life. This was a huge responsibility and I didn't even know if Carmen wants to go through this pregnancy but just by telling me about it, my respect for her was raised beyond the bar. Her blond hair covered her pale green eyes in a way to hide away from me. I could tell by the way she swallowed every now and then that all this was hard for her. She was torn and scared. She told me that she didn't wanted to steal me away from Natasha, didn't want to steal Nat's happiness and then proceeded to tell me how she was scared to go on this journey and raise a kid alone, said she needed me. I glanced back at Natasha who was enjoying her drink flipping through a magazine carelessly disposed at one of the tables. This was hard, knowing I wanted to start a family long ago but not having the time and right career to do it and now once I am given the option of raising a child, I am having second thoughts. I asked Carmen if she could give me one more day before I make a final decision and she gladly obliged, although she yet wore that scared expression on her face. She then told me how she found out she was pregnant just three days ago and tried to contact me ever since. She forgave me for leaving her alone that night without a proper explanation, saying everyone had their own reasons for doing the things that they do. I told her goodbye with a promise to come back tomorrow. Right now I needed to weigh in my options to make the right decision.

The walk back to the Tower with Natasha was silent. It was funny how she was mute all these days and now I am the one who is tongue tied. She didn't bother asking me about Carmen, bearing in mind my privacy and that I would tell her when I was ready. She didn't push me but just pushed her hands in her coat pockets and announced that she knew I was disturbed. Once we had arrived at the tower, she went up to kitchen and bought me a glass of water, telling me I needed it. She left me alone in the living room to go get some sleep and also mentioning that we should sleep in our own separate rooms for the day. She was almost about to walk out but turned and gave me kiss on the cheek and then took her leave. I retreated to the roof; my thinking place. Now that I was all by myself that I realized the impact of my decision against my life. Nothing would be the same after today. My verdict was tipped in a manner like this; I was just beginning to get around my true, unrecognized feeling for Natasha. The things that we have seen, been through and did was something I couldn't share with anyone else. She was my better half, my home but sadly this home would always be incomplete with my ardent desire to raise kids. She couldn't support a child, not that she didn't want to, I bet she would make an excellent mother although she strongly opposes it. If I leave her to raise a child with another women especially now after she has just begun getting back to her normal self, then I guess she would completely breakdown. Next up was Carmen. I can't believe I was so irresponsible, how could I let this happen? And even after my stupid mistake, she forgives me, accepts it and is happy with whatever choice I make. How can she believe me so easily and so soon? I finally I am blessed with the opportunity to have a child then I should take it because I am responsible for this. SHIELD would even provide child facilities and keep a special eye on them in case anything happens to either of its parent. I think I made my final decision and decided that I wouldn't change it. The sun was now just peeking above the horizon; the clouds of yesterday night were still present today but just barely, having a delicate pink tint to them against the pale bluish-purple sky. Natasha would be up by now, it was a habit of hers to rise with the morning sun, just like me but even I like to sleep in sometimes.

I made her a cup of coffee and walked towards her room. She, as I knew, was in the shower and even then she sensed by presence in the room and called out for me, making sure that it was me and not Tony, like the one time he had tried to scare her, only to end up with a broken nose much to Pepper's approval for misbehaving. I confirmed my presence and asked her if she could come out quick letting my voice be the proof that something was off and that I really needed to get things off my chest. Four minutes later she walked out of the steam filled bathroom, tightening her black robe around herself and taking a seat next to me. She took a sip of her coffee and I encouraged me forward by a single arch of her eyebrow. So I began from the very beginning, from where I was so frustrated and out of control that I slept with Carmen, Natasha seemed surprised at first but then shook it off. I finished off my narration by telling her about what Carmen told me yesterday, that she was pregnant and that I was the father. She seemed - don't know that she seemed at first but then she smiled and asked me what I was going to do. I filled her in on my choice and her smile widened. My mind was confused and happy, and this is the only reason I couldn't understand Nat's reason for being happy. She advised me like a hundred year old lady that either I should go over and live with Carmen or that she should come live with the Avengers, and it all actually made sense. Maybe this was the final happiness I was yearning for, maybe I was meant to raise a family. I gave Natasha a final look, by eyes brimming with happiness and hers with understanding. I left for my promised rendezvous with Carmen and happiness. I didn't know then that I was pursuing happiness, leaving my love behind.

I drove all the way to Carmen and found her answering to my knock on her white door almost immediately. She ushered me in and looked up at me expectantly. My answer was short, simple and to the point. "Let's take this journey together" extending my arm to cup her face. I asked her if she wanted to keep the baby because this was her decision as well. Her tears were evidence of her positive answer and her stammering voice convinced me of her bliss. I then filled her in on how and why she should move in the Avengers Tower to which she reluctantly agreed. She thought that maybe her presence in the Tower would disrupt the team bonding we had going on and considered the idea that I should move in with her. After some laughs, and serious discussion I lastly convinced her to pack her bags and all her belongings by tomorrow morning and move into her new home the Avenger Tower. I hugged her once again, this was the umpteenth time that I had done this today and she returned it with her small arms wrapped around me and a thank you in my ear.

Carmen, as I had judged, was the kind of girl everyone loved to be with. She had a beautiful face, charming and slightly shy attitude that happens to be irresistible and she even likes all the game leagues. It's a win-win situation. Did I mention the fact I was going to be the father of her child. The thoughts my mind was running along with had come to an abrupt stop when Carmen asked if I would stay for lunch. My simple nod gave her the answer, my tongue couldn't convey. She disappeared in to kitchen, giving me the freedom to roam around her apartment which was chicly done. There wasn't much to ponder around with, a few pictures of her family hung here and there, some classic books among other new ones and some great choices of DVD's. She called out to me from the kitchen, consisting of a small dining table for two and stated lunch was ready, placing two steaming plates of pasta on the table, and glass of wine to accompany it. The pasta was amazing, in fact the best I had in a very long time, it was, I dare say it better than what Nat and I could have made. I closed my eyes, eliciting a yum which had a laughing in no time. We then began getting to know each other better, asking questions about our likes and dislikes, and guilty pleasure and so on. It wasn't hard to talk to Carmen, her answers and replies were straight to the point with a great believable reason behind it. Before we could move in to the subjects of our past I had stopped her and asked if we could keep this for some other time since it was a very sensitive subject for me. She smiled and agreed, she also happened to have a tough past life which was better forgotten. Well lunch was done and evening settling in. I had to get back to the Tower and tell everyone that they should expect a new family member, in fact two and even had to prepare everything for Carmen's arrival. So I reminded Carmen to pack everything she needed and that I would pick her up in the morning.

Walking back to the Avengers Tower, I noticed that there was a slight hop in my steps and a smile that couldn't be erased no matter what. I thought about how I should break it to the guys and Pepper about Carmen and if they would be as happy as I was. Certainly they'd love a little hawk running around wouldn't they/ and Carmen could win anyone over with that charm of hers. By the time I could fully think things over to fail proof them; I had reached the Avengers Tower. I walked in to the living room where everyone was already assembled. I walked to them and smiled, they didn't return it, they held a sad expression on their faces but I didn't pay much attention to it and told them the news with expectations of cheering them up. Once I had finished telling them that they all were going to be uncles, the despair they held previously dissipated in to smiles and cheers. I told them about Carmen and how she would be moving in with us and everything else. They appeared happy once again. Pepper smiled and congratulated me but her eyes weren't filled with joy, they were filled with realization. She nudged Tony in the ribs, receiving a confused glare from him before he caught up with what she wanted to say. He cleared his throat, cutting up the cheers from Cap and Bruce and continued to speak. "Clint, Natasha's gone." He finished as soon as he had started it. Believe me, for a second I couldn't catch the words that left his mouth. My eyes dug holes in to their skulls and I asked them just exactly what did they mean by that? Pepper took up the narration from there since none of the guys were capable of speaking up with by eyes being opened up so wide in astonishment. Natasha, according to JARVIS, started gathering her belonging just as soon I had left to meet Carmen. She finished stuffing her belonging in two suitcases and then made her way to the living room where everyone was present. She told them that she needed to leave them for a while to find her place in this world once again. She needed a life beyond this team and beyond SHIELD. "She gave us all once last hug and left, she dint even mention where she was going or for how long" Pepper finished giving out a saddened breath at last. I continued staring at them, snapped up and ramped to my room. I banged the door behind me. Unbelievable, why couldn't she be happy for me once? Why the heck did she have to leave? I crashed on my bed and found a letter, neatly folded, waiting for me. I opened it. It was from Natasha, her neat handwriting obstructed by a few drops of water here and there. I began reading it with a heavy heart and finished it with a broken heart.

Dear Clint,

I am sorry. I am sorry for a lot of things. Sorry for the time I ripped your favorite jacket, sorry for treating you rudely when I first began working with SHIELD, sorry for putting you through all that pain when I refused to talk after the Jordan incident and I am truly, honestly very sorry for leaving you now, especially when you have found everything that you truly wanted: a family.

I know Carmen is a great girl, your kind of girl and I know that she would keep you happy. It's good to know that you have found you place in this harsh, beautiful and dangerously captivating world. I am happy for you. But I think it is high time that I find my place in this world. I know you found your place without my help, so I think; I hope I will be able to find a place for me without you. It will take a load of time, I won't lie but I will find I love. I don't need happiness anymore, I don't need to chase it any longer because I know if you are happy then deep down somewhere in the dark shadowy corners of my messed up heart that I am happy too. I think I just need some love now, no, I don't need someone's love, I just need myself to love someone or in desperate moments to love something.

So, I have packed my bags, booked a ticket to somewhere and am taking this adventure. Don't follow me, have time with your own adventure, I fill be happy with mine because you would be with yours. You must be thinking that I am moving out so that I don't act like a third wheel between you and Carmen and it is true but just hardly. I am leaving this tower to get more space; I really need to clear my head. You know I haven't been able to erase Jordan out of my head yet but I had to believe that I did for a long time. Now these nightmares are crawling back up again and I think I might go mad if I don't start fresh. So I repeat again, don't follow me. I won't ask you to understand because I know you will.

Also before I go, I wanted to suggest some names for the baby as a member of the Avenger family. Muriel, if it is a girl, because it was your grandma's name and Jason, if it's a boy because I know you love the name. I hope you consider them. I also wanted to ask you for a favor, would you tell your child about me, I know I wouldn't be present during his or hers birth, although I have a feeling it is going to be a boy, but please tell them about us. Maybe this could be my only chance to be remembered as something more than a murderer. Tell them, that I was a part of Avengers and that I really wish I could meet them. Would you tell them that I was more than a seductress, murderer, monster and tell them that I didn't really want to be any of those although fate was against me and that I try really hard to be on the good guys side and help the people because Clint I swear to the god above me, I really try. But my ledger is to filled and maybe- Man, I am getting tears on the paper, I hope you don't mind the stains on the paper. Time is running out and I really have to leave before you come back because I know somehow you'll convince me to stay. I will come back one day to the Tower to meet you all; especially the little one but I make no promises. I don't even know how long I will be gone for but I will surely miss you a lot. I better stop this before I get to many tears on the paper.

P/S: don't forget me okay? Please don't.

-Nat.

AN: End of chapter 6. Thanks for reading guys. I really appreciate that someone reads my story but you guys could make me happier by reviewing. Let me know how I did, if you have any suggestions please comment. Your reviews man a lot to me, so please review. Thanks once again for reading and hopefully reviewing.


	7. Diference between a home and a house

Thanks to all who reviewed. Your reviews are the only thing that keeps me going thank you: Pure-Black –Wings, MaximumCheeseCake and Clintasha101

Clintasha101: This was, is and will always be a Clintasha story.

Thanks for again Thanks for reviewing and please keep them coming.

Chp:7: Difference between a home and a house.

She goes away just like that, without an answer, without a proper explanation which somehow was stirring deep anguish and anger in me. I knew she was good at running, heck it's what she lives for. She runs from her feeling, she runs from her past, she runs from home and now she is running away from me. Well, if she doesn't want to present during the happiness I was waiting for my whole life then be it. How could she, after all we have been through, now is the time that she decides to desert me? Did all those silent promises mean nothing to her, in happiness and in sorrow we would always have each other's back and all that crap. I guess those promises were one sided hopes. I thought that this would be an adventure we could take together, like the stepping stones to personal success that we were gradually achieving; I thought that maybe finally Natasha and I could have a child together. I abruptly halt my fast moving thoughts realizing that it wasn't Nat but Carmen who is carrying our child. The realization hit me like the ground that embraces you after jumping from a five story building; shattering. This was my dream of having a family, it was at my door and now I come to complete comprehension that it is only half of what I dreamt of. It had the part of me being a father all right but the part of Natasha fulfilling this dream was replaced by Carmen. The letter Natasha wrote me now made sense. It wasn't just me whose dreams were crushed, it was Nat's too, the only difference was I noted it too late cursing her for leaving me while she, as she always does, observed it much earlier and left under the disguise of needing time to heal from her previous mission. I was a fool, a complete, utterly confused fool. Was I regretting my decision? Yes, I was. But as the time ticked by and Tony called for me, this bubbling regret was transformed in to storming rage which was hidden under a well-placed mask of control. I would never forgive Nat for leaving, mark my words.

I made it to the dining room without bursting a vein or breaking the valuable paintings enveloping the tower's lavishly painted wall. The mask, I thought I had on; I now realized didn't hide the emotions playing behind my eyes. Bruce simply walked over and patted a comforting hand on my shoulder, he told me in his quite low voice of his that I could always talk to me when I needed it. I sat down on the chair next to Cap and played around with the food on my plate halfheartedly. I glanced at the Submariner watch Natasha had given me and knew I had to pick Carmen in another hour and half. Fifteen minutes later, I had given up on any attempt to complete my food and excused myself. My feet carried me to the empty roof top and I found myself staring ahead to the horizon which was entirely obstructed by the New York skyscrapers. Tony stood beside me after some pacing around inside. He was silent, which was rare, but the silence wasn't comforting, rather it had a depressing touch to it. It was enough that Nat left me and now the Tony Stark silent? This must be unreal. But as he has a knack to prove the unreal real, Tony spoke up. "You know, her eyes spoke volumes when she left, which I believed they never could" I looked up to face him, his face was carefully facing the tall buildings, counting the number of windows on the tower in front of us. "She didn't want to leave, I don't know what gave her the idea, but she thought it was better if she did." He didn't wasn't to continue but he stopped counting the windows and faced me and started again. "Look, you should understand that I don't usually talk this serious, it isn't my style but listen to me and consider it. I know you are beyond angry that she left but Clint she did it for you. Don't be mad at her, she knows you won't understand her reasons right away, she told me you won't however she cares for you, she truly, deeply and honestly does. I just hope she stays safe wherever is it that she decided to go." At this point I either yelled at him out of frustration or because he was right. He replied with that rare silence of his and gave me a short manly hug which to a guy is six months of therapy and left.

I borrowed one of Stark's baby cars and drove to pick Carmen up. The roar of the engine was loud, drowning my thoughts in the back of my mind; apparently it was loud enough to cause Carmen to come out to check the commotion. Her mouth hung open at the sight of the car, eyes wide and it kind of reminded me of Natasha, I quickly shook my head to get rid of any such thoughts from coming up again and helped Carmen to load her luggage into the car. The first thing she said was how awesome the car was, giving out a low whistle at the end. The whole idea of me being a part of the Avengers was nothing new to her, nothing new since the Loki thing, so when I replied that the car belonged to Stark, she wasn't surprised or didn't seem to care. She occasionally tried to come up with small talk at the red street lights but conversation was difficult and silence was best opted for.

She gave the same low cat call whistle once we entered the Avenger Tower. Jarvis greeted us in the formal manner of his and makes me wish some times that he was real. This is a thing that isn't supposed to be admitted to anyone but when the silence becomes too much, I have a talk with him, his computer minded answers, completely filled with logic and empty of any sentimental value makes me smile. Next was Pepper who met us, she warmly welcomed Carmen in as if she was part of the tower all along but she wasn't warm enough like she was with Nat. Her etiquette and mannerism however covered the germ sized hostility. Tony, Cap and Bruce promptly came up with smiles and a welcoming greeting. Carmen looked around, seemed to say something but kept it in her for another time when we finally settled in for dinner.

The air in the dining room was different. There wasn't the light sarcasm and teasing tone in Tony's voice, there wasn't the honestly good although hilarious questions from Cap regarding the modern technology which we was catching up to with unbelievable quickness, there wasn't Bruce's short ramble about gamma rays, there wasn't Pepper's patient voice disapproving Tony's, there wasn't Nat's-There was no Nat, instead it was Carmen. The thick air was extinguished with a simple conversation starter initiated from Carmen who carried on further until we all were deeply engrossed.

Carmen was a natural in making friends. She was quickly considering everyone's view and getting to know them better. The tiny animosity on Pepper's side was quickly a thing of the past and soon the girls were gossiping about the difficulty of the daily life. The rest of the guys also got the chance of having an equally thought provoking talk. It seemed that Carmen could easily gain trust, accept varying opinions and enjoy the different topics provided by each of the individuals. The night ended with Carmen stifling a yawn and suddenly everyone realized that how late it was. We parted for our own rooms and I showed Carmen my room which was now our room.

Once the door behind me was locked, Carmen popped the question that was boggling her mind all evening. "Where is Natasha?" I was quite for a while, turning my mind over for a suitable explanation, coming up with nothing, I gave her the truth; "She left". Carmen seemed guilty; she had the telltale moist of tears in her eyes. Was it because of her, she asked then the answer would be no, it was because of us but seeing the guilt in her eyes my mouth robotically explained that she had to leave for a deep, undercover mission. She didn't buy it but didn't argue against it either. I slipped in to bed, Carmen was beside me, we didn't touch, didn't address each other's presence instead just slipped into sleep. I wondered before the unconsciousness consumed me about where Natasha would be.

New Year was eventful but forgettable. Carmen had adjusted pretty well in the Tower, swiftly making home, everyone accepted her sooner than that although Natasha was still a name that slipped from their lips. The party thrown at the Tower was huge and nearly the whole employee list of SHIELD was present, except Fury, that man has corrupts to bust even on New Year's. Carmen and Pepper had spent the previous day shopping the whole mall for dresses and accessories and shoes and this and that. Carmen looked gorgeous, she looked like a queen, from a man's wildest dream and yet it wasn't something that bought a smile to my face. I however sucked up my mood and tugged the corners of lips up. Dancing was followed by drinking and then the final countdown to the New Year and a passionate kiss on my lips from Carmen. I kissed her back with equal force and none of the love. Everyone was happy but me. Every one accepted Carmen, I accepted my new life but this wasn't me, this wasn't my life, this wasn't happiness. I knew all this should make me happy but it wasn't, I dint want Carmen anymore, didn't want child anymore, I just wanted my old life back, the one with Natasha and it's barely been a week since she is gone. I closed my eyes with the kiss planted on my lips by Carmen and prayed for getting my old life back. Maria at some time during the party came up to me and whispered that my decision was wrong and left me with a hard stare and a bitter New Year's wish. Her words still rung in my ears, Wrong decision, I wasn't happy but I wasn't convinced that my decision was wrong. The party continued until the sun rose up to the New Year. Carmen and the rest of the Avenger family were dozed off in the various corners of the hall, when my phone rung. I answered before it would wake anyone but no one on the other line answered, it confirmed my suspicion that it was Natasha after a small breath on the other side of the line was heard and the line went dead. I didn't sleep the next four days and when I did, it was filled with Natasha's face and her voice encouraging me to carry on. I did. Days blurred together until I wasn't sure of the dates and if it wasn't for Tony, I would have missed Valentine's Day. I guess Carmen deserved a proper Valentine's Day as an apology for my detachment on my. She, I failed to noticed worked tirelessly and patiently to bring me back to my old self, she didn't mind the times when I spent the nights on the roof rather than in bed with her.

I kissed her up on Valentine's day, she stirred to consciousness with a smile of recognition on her face. I asked to dress up, telling her we were going out for the day. She smiled, stealing another kiss from me which she broke from abruptly and rushed for the bathroom emptying her dinner from last night; morning sickness isn't fun. After she was steady and well enough she took a shower and soon we were out. Breakfast was at the old couple's diner where we went for Christmas. The couple looked confused when Carmen accompanied me in this morning; they seemed a little disappointed but masked it well behind practiced smiles. The warm, fluffy pancakes tasted like home after a long battle, sipping the strong coffee, I contemplated on what to do after this, usually planning things was easy as cherry pie but things aren't the same. Spontaneity was natural when I was with Nat, she seemed to understand and accept everything without a question and a smile on her face. I then planned to take Carmen for some shopping, girls like shopping right?

The mall was a pain in the neck and a downright bad plan, we spend four hours shopping for the perfect shoes, considering she had to say goodbye to her heels for a good deal of time now, finally twenty pairs later, she finally bought four of them, next up maternity clothes. Carmen wasn't that big yet, it was just the third month and she was barely showing although I think she will be heavy on the cravings. While she was finalizing the clothes, I sneaked up to the chocolate store and grabbed a box of assorted chocolate in the shape of hearts and a single red rose. I did all this with Natasha in mind only to break my illusion when it was Carmen who hugged and kissed me, and I will admit I kissed back. Lunch was plain, filled with talks of no prominent importance, followed by a chick flick movie of the year and finally a stroll in the park. The stroll was short and dreamy. The stars were just appearing in the sky and the low twittering of the birds were slowing fading away into echoes of tomorrow. We went back to Tower early and without dinner because Carmen was tired and it was agreeable she shouldn't be walking so much. He had mac and cheese for dinner, completed with sparkling water because wine isn't permitted while she is carrying my child. She cracked small jokes and it did seriously make me laugh, it was a true laugh and I guess I could live with Carmen for the rest of my life, I wouldn't be as happy as I would like to be but then again life is full of compromises isn't it? Tony had taken Pepper for an over the moon date, surprisingly Maria and Steve were out as well and so was Louisa and Banner. We retired to our room once again.

Carmen's blond head lay against my bare chest, her breathing was deep and sleep was peaceful. I had an arm wrapped around her abdomen and the thought of holding a baby in another six months' time was welcoming. I was going to be a father. My bliss was broken by JARVIS's low voice telling me a letter was here for me. I carefully slipped Carmen's head from my chest and carefully slipped out of bed. The letter according to JARVIS was resting on the dining table. I picked it up the letter and was overwhelmed by Natasha's scent, opening it hastily, two things fell out. One was a letter and the second was a book on parenting with a note hanging out from it: because I know you didn't think of it yet. The book was dropped on the table and opened the letter with trembling hands.

Hey Clint,

Happy belated New Year's and a very happy Valentine's day. I know the whole New Year greeting is way overdue but travelling isn't as much as it used to be and plus I was on a sucking mission. I didn't think Fury would tell you but the mission was easy, just surveillance duty but I will not confess this to anyone I was trembling even then. I missed having you watch my back, the mission was successful nonetheless.

How are Carmen and everyone else? Well I don't think I need to know about the others, but is Carmen alright? I know she would have adjusted to the tower pretty well. She seems like the right girl for you Clint and it makes me really happy that finally you found someone you can achieve your dreams with. Don't let her go; she's the one for you.

As for me, I will love in another part of the world with something as mundane or exciting as, I don't know. I will fall in love with something eventually but I know that won't be able to love someone, not anymore. I don't need love; I just need _to_ love right now. Happiness is out of the question because my happiness lies where ours is.

Cyprus is lovely this time of the year. It isn't hot and it isn't cold, it just the kind of weather that you love. I made some changes to our safe house so don't be surprised when you are assigned a mission in this part of the world to find it completely in recognizable. I think you will like it. But don't expect to find me here, you won't, I am just dancing all over the world right now searching for the perfect place to call home. I will tell you when I find it.

Nightmares are plaguing me and as a desperate attempt to run from them, I am running all over the world, your arms aren't any longer encasing me, keeping me safe from the horror instead they are around Carmen where they should be. If one day I come back will you keep me safe from my nightmare, will you-will we be ever be the same? Without your arms around me I drive through the night, drinking the most expensive Vodka money can buy and I dream of you being happy. Did I mention I took up singing, I hope to sing to you someday. Until then keep singing, keep smiling, and please be happy. If you aren't happy, I won't be happy and then I won't have anything to live for. Keep Carmen happy and best of luck.

-NAT-

AN: End of chapter 7. Thanks for reading and reviewing. If you have any suggestions please let me know also tell me if this chapter was worthy of you time. Once again thanks. Please Review.


	8. Me, Myself and I

AN: Thanks to all who reviewed my last chapter. Thanks Clintasha101 and Pure-Black-Wings for your constant support and reviews.

CHP: 8 : Me, Myself and I

Life's changed and while it was never easy, it weighs a ton heavier now. My shoulders are hunched from the load of losing my love and my heart flutters with an unusual lightness knowing that he is happy. So now, I roam the world intending to find a new identity for myself and a new love. Today I am a blonde, my name is Claudia Foster and I am a waiter at a local café. Tomorrow I will be a brunette with a choppy hairstyle, name Julianne Dawson. I am in Cyprus today, Qatar tomorrow and Australia after that. And when I mean tomorrow, it's as good as next week or at least three days later. Our safe house in Cyprus has been changed considerably thanks to me. The once white walls are now painted in a light blue tint, fading into the darker shades of the hue. All three walls of the rooms are colored the same except one which happens to be the wall I chose to abuse it with my slightly rusted painting skills. There are about five bottles of vodka on the floor, tins and tins of paint and a box of take away food which has been left forgotten since days. I can't sleep, I can't eat and I can't find the peace I am looking for, so I drink, paint and pass out. Passing out is now becoming quite a routine for me, I don't know why I pass out but it is something I look forward to, knowing that when it happens I won't be haunted my any nightmares like Jordan's. Vodka is the first thing I sip in the morning and the last thing I kiss goodnight before I know I am going to faint, well that and water are the only thing my throat lets slip by. I wake up with chunks of my memory missing until the smell of paint once again fills my scenes. I continue painting the wall until I deem it perfect but I am not satisfied yet. And then when I no longer can paint the wall, I buy a ticket to another country, another safe house, another identity and another lie.

Fury had assigned me another mission, although he wouldn't admit it but this was a surveillance duty but that didn't mean I wasn't nervous. This was my first mission after the whole Jordan thing and Clint wasn't there to watch my back, sucking whatever pride I had left, I accepted the mission and to my surprise it was a success. Fury acknowledged my whole trauma part and decided to ease me into missions; Clint however wasn't assigned any missions yet, Fury thought that assigning me solo missions would compensate for my ordeal. I did help me take my mind off certain things but once the mission was over I was back on my ways of wandering the world.

I called Clint on New Year's when I was on the mission, his voice was assuring me of the nothingness that I needed. Between New years and Valentine's, while I was yet in Cyprus, Claudia Foster really took over my mind. She is the kind of girl that likes to drink bottles and bottles of alcohol watching the waves splash the shore from dawn to dusk, she works as a waiter in a café which doesn't get many customs and she likes the quite there. People really aren't attracted to her and so she is let go from her job. She comes home, our safe house, and sings, she likes singing too although her tones are melancholy the effect is what she expects. When her voice is hoarse and singing is abandoned for the next day and I, Natasha Romanoff take over once again. I paint the things running through my mind and then once I am tired I slip back into Claudia's persona. Claudia thinks it's a great idea to take a cold bath in the middle of the night and so the bath tub fills with chilling water while she strips off her pants. She keeps her tank top and panties on just because nudity isn't her thing and steps into the icy tub. The water instantly chills her core and pricks her like a thousand knives but she adjusts to the temperature soon enough and fades in to unconsciousness. I wake up to the sound of an airplane flying above the house and realize I am soaked and shivering, I don't mind the headache that's becoming more and more persistent and get back to painting. Once I am done and the flight I am supposed to load isn't until another ten hours, I sit with my bottle of Vodka and think about Claudia. An empty bottle later, I accept that Claudia and I are one and the same and that I have just coined another identity to find my true feelings behind. The truth is I miss the Avengers Tower, I miss the closest thing I ever had to a family and I miss Clint. I tried forgetting everything about him but my paintings, Claudia's songs which are my songs have a strong reflection towards Clint and home. But that isn't my home any longer and I can't stay like this wailing in the perfect weather of Cyprus, so I write a quick letter to Clint and hope it reaches him by tomorrow which happens to be Valentine's Day. I pack my belongings, wear the charm bracelet he had given all those years ago and confirm my next identity, catching my flight to Qatar.

The heat of the desert beats down on me even if summer has hardly begun. I am Julianne Foster, the girl with choppy brunette hair and a weird set of glasses. I am happy. Qatar is a place with not too much of a crowd and basically nothing to do and no one to bother you. The house I buy here is lavish and large and just the kind of house to buy in the ultra-rich country. The villa is new and freshly done, the balcony opens up to the ocean where amazing huge yachts are lined up. I, Julianne Foster, buys cans of paint again and begin the work I wish to do. Since this isn't one of our safe house, I go out and purchase furniture, cushions and everything to make this house a home. Alcohol is difficult to get around here and now I am alone without my bottle, Julianne is just another rich girl spending a vacation away from home, while buying a new house, if that made enough sense. The painting I started is finished quicker than I thought, now that I don't have any alcohol in my system. My stomach is growling and I satisfy what little hunger I have with a small muffin. My mind was now free to wonder in the dark fantasies of my desires. I had purchased some razors while I was out furniture shopping and now the obsession had completely taken over me. I played the music to a Lana song and began singing to it, while my hand made precise slits on the other arm. The red that oozed out was staining the new white carpet and if I didn't know any better than it would have seemed like a beautiful pattern on a furry rug. But all too soon the blood and dried on my arm and the music ended. The silence in the house was going to be the end of me and Julianne decides to go for a ride. Her Porsche roars to life and she plans on a drive until she sees stars behind her eyes. Soon she reaches the desert dunes and the streets are bare of any lights, she thanks the god for the full moon that night and keeps her eyes on the road. She is the only one travelling down the beaten path and all too soon she has stars dancing before her eyes. The car slips off the road and deep into the sand dunes. Well this was what she didn't expect but exactly what see needed. She steps out of the car, only to lie on the hood of the car. The night air is cold for a desert and the little sand that it carries is poking her skin ever so slightly. I, Julianne Dawson aka Natasha Romanoff decide, that I liked it. My heads lies against the cool metal of the car and then there are actual stars above me, shiny brightly because there are no street lights to steal the focus. I don't know when I pass out but I rise with the sun and the sight is breathtaking. God knows where the birds came from but there sweet chirps make me realize that this is real as real it could be, Time to go back. I have a painting to finish, and alcohol to find or arms to bleed out.

I finish the painting in about four days and it's time to move again. Before I do that, my heart urges, nearly pleas to write a letter to Clint and so I do. The letter is painful, and my mind has so many things to write but my hands are quivering impossibly and I stop hastily and sign my name. I don't plan on sending the letter so I fold it up neatly and stick it against the empty fridge. I arrive at the airport, go thought the security procedure and all, I glance down on my boarding pass to check my seat number and to my absolute amazement I notice it's nearly April, in fact it's 5thof April.

I can't believe it, no this must be wrong, it can't be, can it? I have been running for five months now, five months since I have seen any of the others, haven't seen Clint. My heart flutters wildly, and the passenger in the plane beside me maybe thinking that I am having a panic attack because of the planes take off but that doesn't break my thoughts. The plane is now in mid-flight and we are now allowed to take off our seat belt. My hand hovers over the remote-cum-phone attached to my hand rest and I think over my thoughts if I should be doing this. I made up my mind and dialed the number to the person I know will understand no matter what: Pepper. The phoned ringed twice before Pepper answered in her cheery, business voice. I wavered and took a breath, my voice came out weak and unsure, Pepper on the other side gasped and choked my name, attacking me with questions about my well-being and location. I half choked, half cried that I needed to meet her and that she shouldn't tell this to anyone. She promised that she would, I could practically imagine her biting her lip to seal her lips in secrecy. I cried my address in Australia and made her promise that she comes alone; I gave her a small goodbye and hung the phone. Well, this was the break down I was avoiding, thankfully I carried some sleeping pills with me and knocked them down my throat, my eyes fluttered like a flicking light bulb before fusing out and I out. The next time I opened my eyes, there was a small hand on my shoulder, belonging to the air hostess, informing me that we were about to land and that I should put my seat in the up-right position. The landing was smooth, but my feet were restless, I needed to get out. Finally when everything was cleared, I quickly stepped out in to the Australian air and sucked in a couple of deep breaths to calm myself.

My house was here, is an apartment. I checked my watch to note the estimated time it would take Pepper to arrive, there wasn't much but enough so that I can have a shower and make myself look presentable. The apartment didn't need much cleaning because I had assigned a cleaner to look after the place. I quickly washed the grease off my hair, lathered my body in scented soap and was done with the shower in record time. I put on a white dress that reached just below my knees and paired it with black stilettoes. It's been a long time since I have put on a dress and heels, these past months, mostly I was in loose jeans, a Tee and bare foot but now that Pepper is coming over, I can finally dress up, pushing my sane and insane thoughts in the back of my mind. Pepper walks through my front door in another two hours, and when I had nearly dozed off on the couch. Her face when see entered the door was associated with relief but as she slowly found me, that relief was washed over by horror. She let out a strangled form of my name and hugged me, asking me again and again that what had I done to myself? I wasn't sure what she was talking about, so replied that I was fine. I really was fine, finally having a familiar, caring face hugging me. I didn't waste any time and started asking questions about everyone; how are everyone? What are they up to? And finally how are Clint and Carmen? She answered all my questions with the same speed that I asked them and stopped at the last one. She seemed to be searching for the right words but failed at finding any. She gave me the answer in the simplest words; they are happy, mostly Carmen but Clint misses you, I can see it in his eyes. The conversation is dropped there. Pepper then brings up the offer for lunch and I silently decline. She gives me a stern look and drags me to the nearest restaurant any way, ordering on my behalf because she knows a salad isn't to be considered as lunch. Her eyes are filled with worry when I almost gag upon the food. I don't remember when I had such an elaborate lunch in these months. I ask her how long her stay is and she shyly replies that she has to leave in three days. I don't mind it. We walk back to the apartment, my eyes are searching for anything but Peppers eyes, because once I see them, I know I will experience the breakdown I was having earlier. She seemed to understand me, so didn't bring up the topic. We talked about everything we could, watched everything that we wanted to and lastly I suggested going off to bed. Pepper didn't look very confident about me but went to her room anyway just as went into mine. I tossed and turned and flipped but sleep was impossible to come, the familiar whiff of Vodka was calling out to me and I knew I had a good stack of bottles hidden under the kitchen cupboard. The bottles were covered in a thin layer of dust which at this moment was the last thing I was concerned about.

I couldn't handle myself any more, my legs were stumbling, hands shaking and my lips sobbed as another bottle of vodka made its way down my throat. I tripped over the nonexistent ditch in the middle of my floor, Clint standing on the other side. I was slowly crawling my way to him but then Carmen appeared beside him and slowly they were disappearing. I let out a desperate cry because Clint was gone and my last bottle of Vodka was broken. I didn't know my wails were so loud that Pepper was roused from her sleep. She came out and nearly began crying but being the efficient secretary that she is, she handled the situation quickly. She helped me of the ground and swept the floor for the remains of the glass shards. My sobs were now hiccups and Pepper sat beside me, she sighed that this was the last straw and that she is taking me home. I shook my head, disapproving her demand because words that left my mouth were incoherent. I stopped my crying long enough for me to explain to her, that I needed more time and that I was ever so thankful for her support but now I needed to run again. I can't be Natasha now; I have to adopt another identity to hide. Pepper revolted, threatening to call Tony but I stopped her futile attempts. I promised her that I would be home soon; I couldn't stay away any longer but that she should just let me go for now. The pain in her eyes was imminently brighter than the lights in my living room. She convinced me to stay another day or at least I was completely sober. I agreed and left for my room, locking it behind me. Pepper I assumed slipped in to sleep and I began painting the walls of my bedroom and singing. I was done by early morning, I moved out of my bedroom to find Pepper asleep on the couch. Now was my chance. I quickly grabbed my already packed bag and noiselessly made my way out. Yeah, it felt wrong running away again, especially now that Pepper was there, so I quickly scribbled a sorry note and ran.

I now the ache in my heart is steadily growing, loving something and being happy is harder and home is a place I can't ignore any more. But I am not ready to go there yet; I know I will be there soon. For now I am Emily Boscov, the girl with long black hair, no love and no happiness.

AN: End of chapter 8. Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed. If you have any comments and suggestions, please let me know. I can really use some reviews and I hope you guys do review. Thanks for reading once again and don't forget to review please.


	9. I will find my love

CHP:9: I will find my love

Thanks Clintasha101 for reviewing. Keep them coming please, I need them.

Morning sickness, ridiculous cravings, hormonal imbalance, check, checks and check again. Carmen is now six months along and life can't get any more confusing than this. A minute she needs pineapple meringues and the next spicy chicken tandoor. But who am I to complain? These months are now holding more meaning and significance to me, since Carmen can't sleep and won't let me sleep. So we talk, getting to know each other more. Our room is now furnished with baby books, stencils for decorating the nursery and conversation about the color theme of the room; pink, purple for a girl and blue and yellow for a boy. This night however is filled with lingering talk about baby names. I firmly place the name Muriel for a girl and Jason for a boy. Carmen plays the name a couple of times on her tongue and then decides that it is fitting. We have an appointment with the doctor which will reveal the sex of the baby. My heart is tightening up with happiness and fear about the baby's health. I wouldn't mind having a girl or a boy, all I want it to be is healthy and happy and perfect and mine. These past months has given me a lot of time to know about Carmen and vice versa although what I know about her is nothing compared to what she'll never know about me. She likes bubble baths with vanilla candles, she hates Chinese food and action movies aren't her thing. A muffled yawn escapes her lips and I wrap my arm around her swollen tummy, kissing her forehead. This is all I have now.

The tower is unchanged, Tony blows up something every day, Cap is now very experienced with gadgets and technology and Bruce is a lab hugger as always. Carmen has made a small place in all of their hearts but the place isn't very big. Breakfast is fun, jokes and pieces of scrambled eggs being thrown across the table at each other until we are all covered in food and Carmen can no longer stand the smell. We dress up after breakfast and soon we are the doctors. It's our turn to go inside the well-equipped room of the doctors. A small greeting later Carmen lies on the bed, her shirt raised slightly while the doctor applies the cool blue gel on her stomach. Our eyes are glued to the screen on the wall, a picture on the screen and tears in our eyes soon appear, our baby. The doctor drags our attention back to Carmen's belly and the moment of truth is revealed. "Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Barton you are expecting a boy." The tears in my eyes threaten to fall over and Carmen's already has. A boy, wow. There are flashed of images going through my mind then, me embracing my baby boy for the first time, us playing catch together, teaching him how to ride a bike and baseball and so many things I can't even think of. I kiss Carmen, right then and there, thanking her continuously for the gift she is giving us and suddenly I realize maybe this is love or maybe this is overwhelming joy. We leave the clinic after some general questions and instruction. The smile on my face is radiating like a fireball on the white snow of Alaska and Carmen has a smile to match. I buy her a bouquet on the way, since chocolate is only allowed moderately to her. I can't wait to tell this to the guys, they were equally anxious to know whether they were expecting a nephew or a niece.

We walked over to the common living room, expecting the usual banter we guys always had going on about the basketball matches, but instead the scene was absolutely different. Pepper was back from her business trip to Australia and if the slight dark circles she had under her eyes were any indications, it wasn't a good trip. Her shoulders were slouched, which was a sign of trouble in its self and her head was leaning against Tony's shoulder, who was absent mindedly stroking her head, staring into nothingness. Bruce and Cap were not present in the room. Noticing our presence in the room, Pepper whispered something in his ears before moving to greet us. The greeting was straight forward forced and absolutely formal. She waited long enough to give us a hard glance and left, Tony was about to pick up from where Pepper had left off but Cap and Banner chose the exact moment to walk in. The topic was switched to the doctor's appointment just like that. Carmen stood still for a moment trying to process Pepper's sudden behavior but the mood soon dissipated and we gave out a suspicious smile. "Is it a baby boy?" Bruce asked growing impatient. "Surely they are expecting a girl, aren't to Barton?" Cap contradicted only to be cut off by Tony. "Either way I am building a mini iron man suit". We all yelled a communal no and he puffed out a breath. Carmen slowly spelled out B-O-Y, drawing out the moment as long as she could. The shriek that escaped all the guys' lips was highly undignified and slightly girlish. They looked at each other wide eyed, surprised at the yell that they did and warned one another that it wasn't a topic to be discussed any further before congratulating us. We went out for lunch as a sing of celebration and at like there was no tomorrow, Pepper however didn't accompany us, just unenthusiastically congratulated us and went for a nap.

That night when things were getting heated up in bed, I almost cried out Nat's name already easily covering my mistake. Carmen didn't seem to notice, although something like guilt did flash through her eyes. A while later, when we were about to call it a night, my phone buzzed persistently. I peeked through one eye and registered that it was Fury. I cleared my throat and answered as the agent I was required to be.

"Agent Barton, sorry to disturb you in this hour of the night but your skills are required for a mission in Los Angeles tomorrow.", finally, a decent mission. I hummed my agreement and he continued that all the information would be on my SHIELD data, the call ended with him wishing me all the luck and ordering me to be ready by 5 in the morning, which gives me just over six hours more.

After explaining the whole thing to Carmen for half an hour and convincing her that I would be okay, she let me pack my bag and check over my weapons. I opened my SHIELD data after that and laughed at the pure stupidity of the assignment, it was grade one job. All I had to do was get the location where Richard Blake kept is weapon, manufacturing bio weapons and take him out. I didn't even need to visit the lab. According to the file, I should be expecting him at the charity ball in uptown LA. The jet arrived twenty seconds later to five and I was at LA by seven thirty. The ball was scheduled from 5pm so that gave me plenty of time to wander about and study the surroundings of the hall. Turns out the building were a simple two-floored thing, plenty of large windows, plenty of escapes and everything easy. The café I was currently sitting at had the strong aroma of freshly brewed coffee, the umbrella setup above my table outside was unnecessary but it gave me good cover and lots of opportunity to pry on others, you know once a spy always a spy.

The tuxedo I was wearing was plain black with a nice blue tie; it was an Armani suit which constantly makes Natasha swoon. Thinking about Nat now, I realized how much time has passed since she's written or even I have asked about her. God knows where she is? Looking over myself, I think of changing my tie to red then decide against it, Blue was Nat's favorite color. These sudden thoughts were pushed back again while I checked over my weapons and got in to my car to reach the Charity Ball.

Glitzy, that's the word I would use to describe this ball, filled with pretentious people, wasting their time in ways they aren't least concerned about but just dressing up to match their name and huge statuses. I located Richard near the bar, gulping down a glass of champagne in elongated sips, Time to extract some information. I casually move towards him, attempting to start a simple conversation which I know will eventually lead to the data I need. Richard Blake was a man of dry humor and a penchant to look deep into your eyes and predict your predicament. The conversation gradually tipped towards the topic I needed and he soon started to speak about his business, trying to convince the importance of developing bio-weapons for the war that would engulf the world with the current economic depression going on world-wide. Between explaining how the bio weapons are made are how they function, he accidently slipped his location and viola my job here was nearly done. Cyprus, really, who makes weapons in such a fun country? I slipped the contents of a small vial into his drink and left, the effect of the poison would mistake his death for a heart attack. It could also be a believable story, considering his past fifty years of age. Job done, target terminated and time to go home but as I was packing my tux in to my bag, there was a name tugging my mind; Cyprus. Why did the name seem so attractive? Well I need a break away from the tower anyway so instead of going back to New York I fly to Cyprus. I call Carmen somewhere on the way and explain that the mission would take longer than expected but there is nothing to worry about but worrying is what she will do any way. I hang the phone with a doubted I love you and she uses the same tone.

Cyprus is as I would like it, the oceanic mist fills your lungs from everywhere and the sun hugs its warm rays all over your body, it's perfect. The airport however is a pain, customs and immigration and waiting for your luggage to arrive, thank goodness I didn't have any bags to wait for. I rub whatever sleep remains in my eyes and catch a cab to our safe-house. Siting in the cab, my mind catches up on why I wanted to visit the place so badly. It was Natasha's letter, she was staying here when she first wrote to me, that letter also happened to be her last letter to me. I asked Fury about her whereabouts but she was on a well-deserved vacation and above all her locations were unknown. Paying the cab driver a handful of the Cyprus currency, I give our safe-house a look over from the outside. I take my time to open the front door, when I do the misty air changes to the smell of paint. I shut the door behind me, my eyes all over the place, it's unrecognizable. The plain white walls are beautifully painted in tints of blue, starting from the lightest shade of the top and then changing into the darkest blue at the bottom of the wall. I turn my body around, mentally taking a picture of the place; the furniture is strategically placed, posh and modern. The room is tied together but the one wall, my eyes refuse of leave. The painting on the wall is tragically beautiful. The background is dark, the view of the ocean is dotted by the stars surrounding the moon, a girl with red hair is sitting on a swing set, her back towards the viewer but her hands are bloody, cuts and bruises marring her wrists as she watched a family having fun in the ocean. The family had six members and an infant in one of the girl's arms. The dawning of realization is painful; the girl on the swing is Nat, watching us, the avengers moving on without her. The tragedy of the picture is so perfectly portrayed that though tears are travelling down my tears, it's impossible to stop looking at it. And right now I want to tear the wall down but my hands can't do it, knowing Natasha must have spent a heck load of a time to complete this. I plan on leaving the place and I was going to do it, when my legs step on to a CD. Curiosity killed the cat. I played the CD in the player in the living room, the screen was blank but a smooth voice was filling the room; it was Nat's voice. It was stunning, I never heard her singing and now even her song strikes pain in my heart.

All my friends tell me I should move on  
I'm lying in the ocean, singing your song  
Ahhh, that's how you sang it  
Loving you forever, can't be wrong  
Even though you're not here, won't move on  
Ahhh, that's how we played it

And there's no remedy for memory your face is  
Like a melody, it won't leave my head  
Your soul is haunting me and telling me  
That everything is fine  
But I wish I was dead

Every time I close my eyes  
It's like a dark paradise  
No one compares to you  
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side  
Every time I close my eyes  
It's like a dark paradise  
No one compares to you  
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side.

The songs ends abruptly and I stand there for a second, honestly confused beyond comprehension, I glance at the painting one last time and walk out. The itch to know where Natasha was right now was incredibly tempting but I had another duty to fill now, I had to go home to Carmen. I was thinking things over and over again in my head, what have I left? Natasha is running, Carmen is waiting home but it was time to clear my head and get things straight. I call Fury and get debriefed about the mission before making my way to the Tower.

Carmen is sitting in the living room, her head hung low while everyone else is either glaring at her or just angrily looking elsewhere. My heart races, thinking of the possible outcomes for such a hostile situation and hurriedly run to Carmen asking her what happened. Her eyes are intently focused on her bare toes, not giving me a single response causing Pepper to angrily huff and walk out. I stare as she walks out but direct my attention back to Carmen. Seeing, she wasn't going to speak anytime soon; Tony initiated the conversation for her. "Carmen, after all you have done and all he has done for you, I think you owe Clint at least this much" he walks out too, immediately followed by Cap and Banner. The thought about something being wrong with the baby is soon thrown out of the window and Carmen interrupts my judgments.

"Clint- I-you" she stumbles upon her words, tearing punctuating her words. She takes another go at telling me what she needed to get off from her chest. I move to sit beside her on the couch and put my hand on her knee, encouraging her to continue. She clears her throat and starts again. "Clint, I am so sorry, I didn't mean to do this to you, bu-but I was confused and scared and Ryan left me and you-you came along and kissed me that night and everything felt so right then- and- and sorry" She began crying now, there explanation made as much sense as a limp horse running for the golden medal of victory in those equestrian matches. I looked at her telling her she wasn't making any sense, she hiccupped once and then started again, clutching her belly slightly. "It isn't yours Clint." My world stopped, the ticking of the clock was now just a noise proving nothing, the dipping of the sun was just another remainder that the earth was moving, the days will come and go even though my world came crashing down to pieces. I looked down at her belly, then in her eyes and down again. "Clint-I am so sorry, but my boyfriend Ryan left me after he found out I was pregnant and I didn't want to carry the responsibility of being a parent alone and I was scared. I am sorry. I wanted to abort the child but that night you came and took me home and I thought you were perfect for being a father, all loving and caring. I promise" She wiped her tears with the back of the sleeves and looked at me; I was frozen, completely still. "I promise it wasn't my intention to take advantage of you, it really wasn't. Natasha wasn't there, and I thought you guys broke off so I took the opportunity. I am sorry, I am so soo sorry Clint. Please believe me I am sorry. Please" I assumed she was going to apologize until I forgave her so I just got up, with a fiery rage in me, caught her by her wrist and dragged her to our room. I made her sit on our bed and took her suitcase out of the closet. I tore her clothes out of the closet and began stuffing them in to her bag. This was unfair, this was inhumane. I went through so much for her, just to find out the child isn't really mine. Furious wouldn't even begin to describe how I was feeling right now. Once all her belongings were cramped in her suitcase. I walked over to her, grabbing her once again, while millions of tears fell from her eyes and we arrived at the garage. I made her sit in the car, threw her suitcase in the trunk and ran up once again to grab all those baby furniture we had bought. I grabbed all I could in one go and stuffed that too in the car. Words were not needed right now, in fact there were no words to be shared. We made it to her apartment in top score time; all the while she was apologizing to me. Once there, I asked her to get out of the car with as much politeness I could muster and as much as she deserved with in reality was nothing. She got out with small ginger steps and I was out of the car too, taking out her furniture and baby furniture. I threw it all roughly inside her apartment and stashed a large bundle of money in her hands. "Don't you ever meet me again" I spat before walking out, leaving her sobs as something she deserved.

"Shit, effing shit, and shit" I scream, kicking the tire of the car, hoping that it flats out. When that doesn't happen, I pull on my hair and get in to the car, wanting to get away from Carmen. I drive, keep on driving until I find out I have nowhere to go but the Tower. I entered the building, steps filled with rage sure to leave a dent on the floor. The elevator stopped on the communal floor instead of my living quarter, the guys were there waiting for me. I guess JARVIS told them what happened. They moved forward giving me six months of therapy each. Now I remember what I have left; a family, missing my better half. I promise that if I can get her back, I will treat her like the queen she deserves to be. If only I can find her I will throw away all my dreams and stupid desires away in hopes of truly enjoying each and every second with her. Please god, pleas can I get her back. Pepper came forward, smacked me across the cheek and then hugged me, telling me it's about time that I recognized my feelings for her. "I saw her Clint. She called me." Pepper confessed. "My business trip wasn't a business trip at all, I went to Australia because Nat called me one day asking me to visit her-and Clint you have got to find her, and she had that look in her eyes. She was determined to live but so ready to die. Clint you have got to find her, I tried looking for her but she just disappeared one night. Find her." I swear that I will find her with every breath I take; I won't stop until I cease to continue cause my lungs fail to take in air and my heart stops beating. I will bring my love home. Natasha, I am coming.

AN: End of chapter 9. Thanks for reading guys. I really appreciate that you guys read my stories but I really could use some reviews, constructive criticism is welcomed and your ideas/suggestion would be great. Thanks for reading and reviewing. Please review.


	10. Not forgiven yet

Thanks to all who reviewed. Thanks Black Betty for your suggestion. I hope this chapter lives up to the proper format. And thanks Clintasha101 for always reviewing.

CHP:10: Not forgiven yet.

Emily Boscov doesn't work out. It is time to espouse another identity. This time I am Natasha Romanoff, red hair, hates fires and is currently looking for a place called home. I have a plane ticket in my hand, the destination to my travel is yet unknown and I surf the net for the impeccable place. Paris is too filmy, though the country side is remarkable, Cape Town is too wild, not my cup of tea, although the idea of tea seems unusually welcoming now, but I stick to my vodka routine. Malaysia is too east Asia and Venezuela too south. Cancelling out almost every country on the globe I final conclude that I should travel to Chicago. It's just the right place and who knows, maybe I can even spy on the Tower if I go to New York.

Packing my bags has never been easier than this, never had much to carry to begin with but now that I have left most of my clothes in the various houses I lived in or bought, I am now down to only four pairs of clothes. Tossing those in my bag, I head off to the airport. Switzerland to Chicago is an estimated thirteen hour long flight, a very tiring one at that and lately I have found myself hanging off to the little ounces of energy that comes from alcoholic beverages, which are about the only thing I accept against my tummy's will. Painting is now a difficult task and I pass out more often than expected but who cares really. All I have to think about now is my flight to Chicago.

Coffee cup in one hand, carry-on bag in the other, I enter the plane readying myself for the long journey. The cabin crew announces the flying conditions through the intercom and honestly who understands that contorted voice. All I can think of is the right area to buy a house. And that's when all hell breaks loose in my mind. I realize just how faulty my plans were. The cities I had chosen the ones I thought no one knew about were not a random collection of places on the map. After Pepper came in and I left, my mind wasn't functioning with its sharp accuracy; I just flew to Switzerland as instinct, only it wasn't instinct after all. I had been following I pattern I didn't notice but now I know if Pepper opens her mouth, one person will surely catch up to the pattern.

The plane jerks violently due to the extreme weather outside and all I can hope is that the plane lands somewhere else. Anywhere else will do now; I yet have a narrowing chance to change my pattern. I see clearly, that if the plane lands in its original destination then it will be too late. He will be up on his game then, waiting for me on the airport and frankly I don't have the energy nor want to put any efforts to change into a disguise now. So I hope the plane lands anywhere but Chicago.

CLINT'S POINT OF VIEW:

The hunt is on, stakes are high-well there aren't any stakes but if I don't find her soon then I will probably spend my whole life searching for her. I know she can be anywhere by now. She maybe in Bangladesh, in Fiji or even under a small rock in the Amazon for all I know. Hide and seek, is an easy game, but it's easy when you are playing with kids belonging to age group of four to nine, with the obvious exception of the Avengers because we grown-ups heroes yet like to hide under our beds or behind the curtains, hoping to be unnoticed. But this isn't a game, this is Nat, who is a highly skilled agent, an assassin and a damn good hide and seek player. I mean who would imagine looking in the fridge of the tower when there are much more obvious places to hide, like Tony behind the door, Cap in the bath tub and Bruce with a lamp shade on his head, really? This was greater than the Avengers Tower.

"Dude you are so frizzled" Tony commented, receiving a smack from Pepper on the head and glares from the other. "Ow, what was that for? I mean come on do you guys really think that Romanoff will just accept Legolas back in to her life with arms wide open?" And thanks to Tony, now I had another thing to worry about. Seeing my inner conflict he decided to makes things better and raise hope again. "But you know Hawk ass, seeing how you guys are soul mates and all that tarot crap I don't have any idea about, I think she is waiting for you to come." Leave it to Tony to shatter your hopes like crushed ice then build it up like an ice statue.

"Well if it means anything, she was going by the name Angela Lambert. I saw her passport while she nearly drowned herself in alcohol." If Pepper says that Nat drowns in alcohol then we should be surprised, considering she lives with Tony who is a drinker himself. The concern on our faces must be like Times Square because there was instant guilt pooling in her eyes. "Clint, I should have tried better I really should have, but then I felt really sleepy and I don't know I just dozed off, I am so sorry" Tony reached forward encircling her in his arms. She cleared her throat and spoke again. "Well if this is any help, she was going by the name Angela Lambert. I saw her passport just before falling asleep." She looked around the room; I looked down, snapping my head up in sudden realization.

Angela Lambert, she was following the pattern, we once made a list about the names and places we would like to visit once we were get that three month vacation. I suggested a place and name for her while she did the same for me. I suggested Angela Lambert for her while she smiled and said Sam Green suited me. I ran up the stairs up to my floor, not wanting to waste any time for the elevator, everyone were hot on my heels, digging my bed I pulled a small box of our bucket list. This was about just as classified as the files marked Top Secret on the SHIELD data base but what the heck. I open the box and pull the only paper I was looking for, shutting the box and placing it back. The dusted paper brings a new optimism in to room. I open the room and nearly choke with delight.

Claudia for Cyprus, Julianne for Qatar, Angela for Australia, and Emily for Switzerland- the list has one final name- Natasha in Chicago. I jump and scream and hug everyone in the room, because maybe I didn't have to go on a treasure hunt for Natasha after all. I grab Pepper by the shoulder and ask her when Nat disappeared again. She seemed hazed for a second then replied "About three days now." That's all I needed.

"Do you really think she will follow this pattern?" Bruce asks over my shoulder, glancing at the paper. I nod my head in an affirmative manner. I grab a duffel bag from the closet stuff some clothes in it and out the door I am. I run back in Tony smirking and throwing a pair of keys and I am out again. I insert the key in to the ignition and the roar is amazing. Gripping the steering wheel, I know with this thing I can reach Chicago in nine hours that is with some speed tickets.

Drive, driving, drive more and destination arrived. The airport at Chicago isn't crowded as much as I expected it to be. There are announcements filling the otherwise chatty airport. "Flight 209 from Istanbul is delayed. Emirates flight 524 from Switzerland is timed to land at 5.30pm." Yes! Now all I have to do is wait at this corner while she comes out. I check the clock hung up on the wall, I yet have another half an hour to wait. But why am I so sure? Why is she following a pattern? It's either she wants to be found or that she didn't notice her list yet, I hope for option two. I am all in now, she will either come or she won't. If she doesn't when the hunt begins, if she comes then the apologizing is in due. I grab a box of chocolates from the duty free and get back to the corner, presuming to be another of those people waiting for their family to walk in.

It's 5.30pm and the flight is on time as scheduled. The people are filing in through the sliding doors, wrapped in heavy coats and scarfs. The last passenger walk out and then all hope is lost, my eyes are yet targeted on the sliding door, catching on to the last ounce of hope that was evaporating into thin air. The door slides open once again and there she is. Natasha! She seems to be glancing around her out of force of habit, her eyes locking in on me and then she walks past as if nothing happened. I guess I deserved that, I don't know what to say yet so I just begin walking along her.

The air outside is pleasant and slightly warm, hitting her face and whipping her hair in different directions. She smiles a bit but it isn't what it used to be. All talks are reserved for later, I hope. She calls out for a taxi and informs the driver the address to the Ritz-Carlton. I shouldn't really be, it Nat we are talking about and she likes things with quality. The drive is awkward on my part, she seems to be enjoying herself but not on my expense. No, she enjoys the view outside because this is the first time she is Chicago and not on a mission. Soon we are at the Ritz; stashing the proper amount of cash to the driver she enters the lobby. The assistant there greets us and gets on with the regular questions to assign us the room we please.

"How many rooms would you like ma'am?" he asks Natasha as I am standing behind her and Natasha and her all business face on.

"One suite please"

"Your bed size preference ma'am?"

"A single bed would be fine, although I want a room with an excellent view." Natasha meant business when she spoke like that. I remained silent, taking her appearance in. It was Nat alright but it was all wrong. Her shoulder bones were prominent but they shouldn't be sticking out like that, her eyes shouldn't have bags under them hidden under makeup, she is supposed to have that cheer in her voice which isn't present. My assessment is broken when the manager speaks again.

'And what about the gentlemen?" He asked regarding me, Nat turned her head to me, smiled and replied to the manager.

"Oh, he isn't with me. And please make sure that if he books a room here, it shouldn't be on the same floor as mine. I am willing to pay extra for that." Wow that was harsh, but it should have been expected shouldn't it? My mouth hung open, as she swayed her hips and walked towards her room.

After much aggression and finally begging I manage to get a room just above Natasha's. I shut the door behind me and sit down on the bed. Well I am here, Natasha is here, I want to take her home, apologize to her and love her but all this proves to be a little hard considering the fact that she isn't even acknowledging me, let alone talking to me. Well time to make plans. I make scenarios in my mind; one was where I just walk up to her room, knock her door and when she opens it, I kiss her. But that scenario didn't end up really well. Well I had a slap against my cheek and I wouldn't be able to sit for a while. Scenarios 2 was me knocking on her door with a box of chocolates in one hand, flowers in the other, that ended with me falling off a fifteen story building. It was time to call Tony. Swallowing whatever pride I had left after the lobby incident, I picked up the hotel phone and dialed Tony's number.

Explaining things over the phone to Tony was a challenge as kept on laughing at the lobby thing. "So Legolas, I don't think she'll accept you now that you are down to begging." He began laughing again and all over again.

"Tony I swear I will rip you apart once I am back." I threaten him. My string of profanity was cut short by a knock on the door. I hang up the phone and open the door. It's her and I mentally grab my cheek for the smack I know that is coming but it never does. She enters the room without a question, pulls me in just to close the door and hold a knife against my throat before I can process any of this. Well falling out of the hotel seemed a better idea now.

"Why are you here?" She asks, venom lacing her voice. Her eyes are hollow and I can tell she hasn't slept well in a long time, she's tired. My thoughts are cut by the increasing pressure on my neck by the knife.

I was wrong is all I could manage to get out, hypnotized by her empty stare. She lowers the knife slightly, telling me the answer is inacceptable. I try again this time with more sincerity I can manage. "Natasha I was wrong, I was a fool, and I –I miss you please come back. I left Carmen, she cheated me, she- I-the child wasn't mine." I sadly tell her and for the first time her eyes replicate sorrow that is filled in mine. "Natasha I promise to make it up to you, if you just come home. You can't keep running like this, just look at you. You look so weak and fragile and broken. I know I caused you all this pain but if you just come back, please" I grab her wrist at this point wanting to make a point but she wasn't convinced. "Nat, I realized how wrong I was, I never wanted a family, at least one without you. Carmen made me realize that you are all I need; you are my world, my family, my better half. I don't expect you to forgive me but I wanted you to know that I am really sorry" She wriggles her hand free and walks in front of the mirror, her eyes are surprised when she sees herself in them. Her hands fly to her dull eyes, hollow cheeks and her shrinking body. By the looks of it, she lost about ten pounds at least. She gasps at her condition and falls to her knees. I am there holding her in a heartbeat. Once she believed that we have to go home to the Tower, while we are still sitting on the floor in front of the mirror.

"Carmen cheated you?" she asked in her quite voice.

"Yeah, but that doesn't matter anymore. You are here and that's what matters." I admit.

"Clint, can we go home tomorrow?"

"We can go home, whenever you want." She smiles that doesn't reach her eyes and stands up, I get up along with her. She starts walking towards the door. "Nat, stay."

She shakes her head to say no "Not yet Clint, not today. I just agreed to come home. I haven't forgiven you yet." She finished and walks to her hotel room.

This is going to be difficult right? But then again she has all the right to treat me that way. But dear Natasha Romanoff mark my words, I will do anything to make it up to you.

AN: end of Chapter Ten. Thank you for reading. Please review, if you have any suggestion/comments please let me know. Constructive criticism is always welcomed. Let me know how I did on this chapter. Thanks once again and please review.


	11. What's the worse?

CHP:11:What's the worse?

Thanks to all who reviewed. Thanks Black Betty for your review.

It's human nature to take things apart, probe them under compound microscopes and glue them back together only to see if you can, only to see if will ever be the same. And that's what I found myself doing in the cold empty room, filled with furniture too expensive, mattresses to soft and air to silent, I was picking on the situation, assessing it carefully, hoping that I can glue it up so close and precisely that no one would notice that tiny hole in it. The situation was complicated; Nat was ready to come home but hasn't forgiven me yet. Now what? Go home and try apologizing again, in ways until I could write a book about how not to apologize? Yeah that could work.

Gathering my courage off the fluffy, warm carpet on the hotel, I pace my room thrice, picking up the pieces that I thought I missed. When I had finally assembled the entire valor, I lost, I peeked down the hallways. It was late at night, so all the rooms were securely locked and occupied by the other guests and if this wasn't the Ritz, I would be carrying a gun such to be on the safe side. I closed the door to my room and went for the elevator, I pushed the button and the elevators doors opened instantly. I decided against and the elevator and followed the way leading to the stairs. Climbing up and down, then up and down again, I finally reached in front of Natasha's door. The plan I thought went something like this: I knock, if she opens the door, I fall on my knees apologizing, if she doesn't, I sit in front of the door until she eventually does. I knock in three successive taps and wait for my fate on a silver platter. Nothing happens.

I am sitting here, in front of her door, for god knows how long but by the glares of the room service that has passed by me for the second time, I know it's long enough. I ask him the time and find out I have been freezing my butt for two and a half hours. That's as much as I can take, all this complications have to end. So I wait outside her door until the cleaner had walked out of view and the coast is clear. I pull out the card key; I stole from his cart while asking him the time. I swipe the card across the slit and it's open. The room is heavily scented in Natasha's perfume and scent; the clothes are messily thrown on the bed and her luggage in another part of the room. There was a voice recorder on her side table. It's all her but the room is surprising missing Nat. The missing Natasha is a disturbing fact, she can be in the bar downstairs but it isn't the way she rolls, so I go through her luggage and came up with clothes and nothing but clothes. And then the stealthy silence is broken by a tap.

Tip, tap, tip. I freeze for a second, whipping my head around from side to side, trying to pin-point the source of the sound: the bathroom. I slowly walk towards the bathroom, creaking the door ajar just enough to peek inside the white marbled room. Everything in the room knocked the wind out of me. The tub was filled to the brim, water almost reed and lying still in it was Natasha. Her skin was pale and lips turning an abnormal shade of purple. I just look at her for almost too long to realize that I needed to help her. My feet carry me automatically to the tub and I drop to my knees, taking her out of the cold water. Her nightgown is soaked and her body temperature is dangerously low. I slap her cheeks because at this point my mind is running low on any other rational thoughts. She stirs slightly and shivers a little, eyes unfocused and confused. She locks her eyes on me after what seems like in forever all the while I am just staring at her. How did it ever come to this? I hug her out of impossible relief, close to my body trying to warm her body enough. Her head lies on my chest and her low voice is muffled my my already wet T-shirt.

"Clint, I am really tired. I want to end this all. Why did you save me?" She splutters the words rather than pronounce it. Her eyes are glazed over with tears and another shiver runs down her spine. "Clint." She tries again but is too tired to carry of the sentence any further than that. My name on her lips hits me out of my trance and then all rational thoughts fill my mind. I carefully gather her in my arms and take her back to the bedroom; I scan the area out of habit and lay her on the bed. The blood on her wrist has a sluggish flow to them so I wrap them in one of her T-shirts. Her eyes yet haven't settled on anything but me. I strip her off of her wet clothes and wrap the warm comforter around her; I get in next to her. She freezes, looking into my eyes for something that might convince her that this isn't a dream. She realizes it isn't and closes her eyes, praying that I don't disappear. "I think I can finally sleep, now that I have you around" The words said are quite and almost inaudible, with that her eyes shut close. The color in her skin hasn't returned yet, her temperature isn't any better, her lips yet have the foreign color to them, her body screams help but now she looks peaceful. I guess she feels the same too.

Once I am hundred percent sure that she is asleep, I wrap my arms around her and I can't tell how good that felt. It's like the heaven in my arms. It's something I missed when I was Carmen; it's something about having her. I stretch my legs further on plush bed and the voice recorder falls off the bed. I gently take my arms away from Natasha's body and leave the bed to pick up the device. My mind is curious about the contents about the recorder but I knew I would be invading privacy I had long lost the right to. So it was a complete accident when I bent to pick it up and my finger brushed against the play button. The voice that trailed from the tape was beautiful, mesmerizing and unquestionably Natasha's. The song breaks my heart with every word that she sings but I can't bring myself to stop it.

Honestly what will become of me  
don't like reality  
It's way too clear to me  
But really life is dandy  
We are what we don't see  
Missed everything day dreaming

Flames to dust  
Lovers to friends  
Why do all good things come to an end  
Flames to dust  
Lovers to friends  
Why do all good things come to an end  
come to an end come to an  
Why do all good things come to end?  
Come to an end come to an  
Why do all good things come to an end?

Traveling I only stop at exits  
Wondering if I'll stay  
Young and restless  
Living this way I stress less  
I want to pull away when the dream dies  
The pain sets in and I don't cry  
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

Flames to dust  
Lovers to friends  
Why do all good things come to an end  
Flames to dust  
Lovers to friends  
Why do all good things come to an end  
come to an end come to an  
Why do all good things come to end?  
Come to an end come to an  
Why do all good things come to an end?

"Did you like it?" Natasha asked, for a second my heart just stopped but my posture remained indifferent. I turned around, Natasha was lying in the same position, I had left her but this time her green eyes were open and aware.

"I loved it but I don't think this is the end." I said honestly. What good is it any way to lie to a trained liar? She smiled a little, tucking her hair behind her ear, noticing her bandaged wrist. She looks up and smiles again. It doesn't fit the situation, she almost killed herself today, I confessed my mistakes and now she is smiling. It's all wrong.

"But something in me just died and I am not sure if it's ever going to come back."She is sitting on the bed now, reaching her hand out for the recorder. I hand it to her. "You know I really don't know what to make of us? I don't think I can take you back so easily, I mean what happens when you knock up another girl and this time she doesn't cheat you, will you give me up again?" Her words sting, burning and melting my heart but she is right to do this, to hurt me because I deserve this. But I want her to know the truth.

"Nat, I promise, I didn't mean all of this to happen. Please believe me, I was wrong but I truly, deeply and honestly love you." There I told her. I love her, she should know that. "Nat, I don't know what else to say but all that I have said is true and I won't ever change that. But if you want me to go, then I will but not before I make everything all right between us." I start walking towards the door now, knowing that I shouldn't leave her, what if she decides to jump out the window?

"Sing me to sleep." I stop by the door, relieved. I turn around before she repeats herself or worse changes her mind. I walk back to the bed, sitting on the very edge and begin humming her favorite Russian tune. Her face is towards me, eyes set, emotions tucked away enough for me to know that they are there. No more than two stanzas later she drifted off again but I didn't dare stop now. I lay down beside her, about to wrap an arm around her like I had done previously.

"Keep your distance, Barton." She mumbles in her sleep. I do as she said and hum the last verse of the song, my eyes closing as the last word escapes my mouth.

The morning sun is hot and casts its light directly on my eyes. I squint my eyes open to find the curtains drawn and an empty spot on the bed, where Nat was supposed to be. I panic, jumping out of the bed, tangled in the mess of bed sheets and fall face first on the floor. After an Ow, I find her, sleeping on the chair, balancing her head on her hand like she is used to sleeping on the chair. Her bandages are gone and she is dressed in a long worn put shirt. I carefully untangle myself and trudge towards her, shaking her. She wakes up in an instant, prepared and all. Once the whole environment is clear to her, she drops her guard and goes to her luggage, picking it up and stuffing all the clothes that lay strewn around the room. I stand on my spot confused, until I realize that today we are supposed to go back to the tower. Thanking god silently, I tell her to that I will pick her up in another twenty minutes and run out of the room, to pick up Tony's car keys and run to the airport, where I had left the car. I am back to the Ritz in ten minutes and in Nat's room in another two minutes.

She has cleaned up after herself, makeup done just right to hide those bags under her eyes, dress flowing off her bony shoulders in amazing ways and god may I go blind, if she isn't the most beautiful I have laid my eyes on. I carry her suitcase for her and load it into the trunk of the convertible car but walk back to the hotel for breakfast. Once we were shown our table by the window, I had settled for some hot waffles and omelet, while Nat wasn't fairing so well. Her bites off the pancakes seemed forceful and painful and by the time she finishes her first pancake, she is gulping down the urge to puke.

"Nat, how long has it been since you actually had a decent meal?" I jokingly ask with a side order of concern. She mutters something incoherent which causes me to elicit something equally stupid as a Huh, what was that?

"Since January, there happy?"

I choke out the coffee, eyes wild and hurt. "Nat, that was like five months ago. Shit." I was so-so –I don't if it was anger, disappointment or something but it was enough for me to push down a platter of actual food down her throat. I walk over to the buffet suction and back to the table with yogurt in one hand and a fruit platter in another. "Here, start off with the yogurt and finish it or else I swear to push it down your throat." She talks small spoonful of the yogurt and finishes it clean in ten long minutes. She starts to get up but I push her down and hand her fruit platter. She shakes her head, resisting the fruits until I give her one of those hard stares and she actually picks up a kiwi slice. One kiwi, four strawberries and half and apple later when she can't take anymore, we leave.

The roof of the car is down; the wind is hot and dry, fingering through Nat's hair, providing whatever coolness it can. It basically isn't the kind of weather to have the roof down but Nat likes it that way, so it goes that way. Half way through the ride, no words being exchanged, , passing through the empty road she unbuckled her seat belt and stands up on her seat. I look over her and yeas she is crazy but right now she looks like a bird; free, and gliding through the air. Her eyes are closed, hair playing behind her in a blaze and I can't look at her long enough because I have to drive. Stopping for gas was supposed to be just that until she walks in to the store and comes back with beer bottles. She jumps back over the door and in to the car, cat calls going off in the background and she doesn't seem to mind. We hit the road again, beer bottles dumped on the way by me because soon I couldn't make sure if Natasha had too much alcohol in her blood system or too much blood in her alcohol system.

The empty road changes to a suburb and soon to the skyline of New York. She finally sits and straps the seat belt. The tower is close now and I can tell Tony knows exactly how long we will take before we arrive because he has trackers on all his babies. We go around the whole block twice before finally entering the garage.

"Home. I am home." She says to herself in the elevator.

"Welcome back Ms. Romanoff. Everyone is waiting for you on the common floor. Would you like to stop there" JARVIS asks and Natasha smiles, because she missed this, she missed all of this. The elevator door opens with its Bing and Nat hasn't even properly stepped in the floor when she is attacked by all of them in a group hug. Words are jumbled from everyone speaking together and it's all too sweet, too homely and just what Nat needed.

"Spidey, I am so glad your back. Cap and Banner don't know how to cuss me in to working and keeping my limits." Tony cries.

"Natasha, I am so happy to have you back, Tony and Bruce won't help me like you do with the Mac book and Netflix thing." Cap sighed

"Natasha, thank god you are okay, really I was going insane in Tony's company and without your tea." Bruce choked.

"Natasha, thank you for coming back, the guys are driving me crazy" Pepper said, hugging her once again. Maybe Natasha's hug lingered a bit too long, maybe her eyes were closed to stop the tears to cascade down but at this very moment no one noticed and none of it mattered.

The hugging session was done and through with and now we were sitting on the couch, trying to catch up on things we missed without Natasha's presence. The talk was sweet, filled with small laughs and everyone's eyes were her. The changes that were dragging everyone's attention to her was observed by all and voiced by none. Tony held back his witty comments just for the moments as Nat told them what she had been doing while she was away, Bruce had asked the question.

"You know, sight-seeing, a bit of clubbing, maybe skydiving and all those things craved by an adrenaline junky. Cyprus is great; we all should go there for a vacation. Maybe even the Bahamas, if we are lucky to get a vacation of such a long period. God, I enjoyed myself." The last sentence was a bit practiced, unnatural and straight out a lie. Everyone in the room could tell that her lie tale was a mile long but as off now everyone was content to just have her back, maybe they'll question her later about it. The topic at hand soon changed to food, and at the name of it I could clearly hear Bruce's stomach grumbling. The man hardly eats anything, I swear he would if he'd just step out of the lab for long enough.

Dinner was ready, steaming and for the first time in months, things felt in place and complete. Tony sat next to Pepper, Cap next, Nat, Bruce and then me on the circular dining table. Well before it used to be Nat then me but can't have everything I want at once. Indian food is spicy, and the world of flavors on your tongue is too good to take time and distinguish each tang. Tandoori Chicken, Jasmine rice, and cottage Paneer gravy. I looked over at Natasha taking small bites of the chicken; well at least she eats something.

"So Hawk ass, was it the orgasms that bought her back or is she planning some sort of revenge on you?" Tony commented, mouth filled with Chicken, when Pepper kicked him from under the table. When I just glared and Nat smirked, she pressed the matter. "What? It must be something." Yup everything was back to normal, Cap was blushing, Bruce was smiling and Pepper telling Tony to behave and even Nat was there this time.

Later, when everyone had wished each other good night and left for their respective floor, leaving me and Nat alone that she came up to me close and whispered, sending a cold chill down my core. "I would start thinking ways to apologize if I were you, you know before I decide to go away again." That being said she walked back to her room, and shut it.

Well sleep wasn't going to be easy tonight so I might as well plan now. What's the worse that would happen right?

AN: End of chapter 11. Thanks for reading and please review. If you have any suggestions please let me know. Constructive criticism is always welcomed. Thanks once again and please review.


	12. All Right

Thanks Black Betty for your review and please let me know how I did on this one. It isn't one of my best.

Chp:12: All right

Thinking is hard, especially when you know exactly that you should be thinking harder. Thoughts passed my head like millions in a casino but came up with nothing of prominence. So I paced my room until I had memorized the no of steps I can take in ten minutes, got nothing, then went up to the kitchen, dug the fridge for something edible but also an idea. Final out of sheer desperation, I raced to my room and brought out my laptop. I switched it on and sighed at my desperation and typed 'Ways to make it up to your girlfriend'. Well Nat wasn't really my girlfriend yet, but after all we have been through I think we are way past that point. I skimmed through the first two websites to find nothing of relevance. Then the third website bought some hope.

Ten full proof ways to make it up to your girlfriend.

**# 10 Give her Flowers**

Giving flowers can be considered a traditional way to make up with your girl. Just make sure you pick out her favorite flowers, and write a sweet note on it.

**#9 Make her a nice romantic dinner**

Cooking for your girl can show her how much you care and love her especially when making up. You don't have to be the best cook when doing this. Just make sure you make her something that she would like to it.

**#8 Clean the House**

Nothing says making up with your girl then cleaning the mess, Literately! She will see how much you are sorry when the whole place is spotless!

**# 7 Apologize to your girl, and give her a gift**

It is always good to say sorry or apologize to your girl especially if you made a mistake. Say sorry and get her a gift that fits her personality.

**# 6 Give your girl ****jewelry**

Jewelry makes any girl sparkle! When you buy your girl something shiny and nice she will forgive you.

**# 5 Tell her you love her**

Sometimes a girl just needs to be told that she is loved. It is as simple as that

**# 4 Talk and Listen to her**

Some girl may just feel that they are not being heard or listened to. Miscommunications can create a lot of conflicts. Let her talk to you and listen to her. Make sure you acknowledge her, and share feelings with each other.

**# 3 Say sorry with a Kiss**

Sometimes a kiss can mean all the words you are trying to say, especially when making up with your girl. Just make sure she wants to as well or it may escalate things.

**# 2 Sing or play her a love song**

Be romantic when you say sorry by singing or playing a love song on a instrument. A lot of girls love creativity

**# 1 Do two or more of these ways above**

Doing more than two of these ways to make up with her girlfriend can definitely help with forgiveness.

This was bull shit; Nat would never buy this crap. Man, wish we were a normal couple for once. At least I screwed up there, and then making up to her would be easy. Also shouldn't this article come with a note: Don't try these tips if your girlfriend is an assassin, especially if she's a Russian?

Tearing through a couple of dozen of articles more, I finally stopped. None of the articles worked, except on which seemed only half convincing. But anything was worth the shot right now. The one I planned on following was from the third website. So according to it, I should give her flowers, then make her romantic dinner. What does romantic dinner mean? Like a cupid on a plate or something? Back to the list, clean the house, give her a gift, and give her jewelry. Okay I should probably stop there for a day. It's 2 am now, and I decide to catch up on all the sleep I can now. The next few days are going to be anything but easy.

I wake up earlier than the other and from now on am a man on a mission. I grab a cup of coffee, pull up a clean pair of jeans and out the door. I walk the busy sidewalks of New York and really it's a bit too early for offices to begin. But I am glad for that now, I am in need of the mushy thing the list said I need to do. I first stop by a gift shop. It's warm, empty and oddly awkward. I never thought that I ever had to pick up a 'I am sorry' gift for Nat but then again here I am. There was a teddy bear holding a heart with words 'I am bear-y sorry' stitched on it. Well I could give her that but she would just shove it down my throat. A snow globe, with a ballerina in it, seemed the most suitable thing I could get her and it was the best choice. I paid the said amount on the counter and hunted for a jewelry store. I walked about five blocks before I was greeted by the bright, twinkling Van Cleef and Arpels. This was blinding, all the sparkles of the diamonds and sapphires and topaz and this and that and-I had nothing particular in my mind, but something all the same, I gratefully sat down on the cushioned chair of the store and the sale assistant bought a collection of jewelry, showing and explaining the gems in each one. Earrings and necklaces by the load later, I finally settled for one, The Soufflé de printemps necklace. It was a mouthful to pronounce but I managed it, thankful for the variety of languages I spoke and understood. The jewelry delicately dangled from my hand, debating if this was Natasha enough. It would suit her in some way, the branched diamond twigs with ruby blossoms on them. I purchased the hefty priced necklace and mentally scratched the item from the list. Next, badly wanting to take a break from, I made my way to the florist, debating there again but thankfully the florist was an experienced woman in her fifties and understood perfectly when I voiced what I was looking for. A beautiful carnation of red, yellow and white flowers were ready in an amazing manner and then my final stop would be the Tower.

I dragged my feet towards the tower, one hand holding the gift and necklace while the other trying not to mess the flowers. I hoped that Natasha would like them but knew it was wishful thinking. All this isn't Natasha's way, although she wouldn't mind the Van Cleef and Arpels, but it was just me trying to ebb away some of my regret. Maybe after this I could say that I tried. But I didn't try hard enough.

"Well look whose home" Tony said once I walked into the common kitchen which was empty, save for the iron man, breakfast time was way over. "Dude, if weren't for the flowers I'd think you were gay" Looking up at the snow globe in his hand. After a minute of obstinate silence, he decided to speak up again while I bit through an apple. "Really, you really think she'll be convinced with this? News flash, she is the Black Widow. This is like something picked up from the web-wait don't tell me you followed the web" I turned away pretending to head to the coffee machine to hide my embarrassment. "Man, you are like the capital d in desperate. Well I think I was caring enough for today and now my lab calls me."

With that quirky wiggle of an eyebrow that distinguishes Tony's personality, he leaves. I eat the apple until the core remains before tossing it in to the bin. The gym I knew would be the place where I would find her. So skipping the stairs down to the gym, I found her near the punching bag, honestly boxing the life out of it. She sensed my presence, always tuned into one another. She whipped around and gave me half a smile while I gestured her to follow me.

"So finally decided something worth my time, or is it just a pity attempt." She said sarcastically.

"I-I honestly don't know" shrugging my shoulders for emphasis. We climbed back the nine flights of stairs and arrived back at the kitchen. "Okay this is for you" I hand her the flowers first, rubbing the back of my neck. She smiled, taking a whiff of the carnation, walking to one of the cabinets and taking out a vase and putting them in it. "Okay, so a little birdie told me I should get you a gift, so here" I handed her the snow globe and an actual smile formed on her lips.

"Thanks and was the little birdie the internet?"

"And finally, because you are a girl and all girls like jewelry, I bought you this." I opened the Van Cleef and Arpels box and she held her breath at the sight, unfortunately I knew this wouldn't be enough. She crossed what little distance was between us and gently took the necklace, closely admiring it.

"Wow" she dangled it from her little wrist, breaking out of her reverie just in time I started building hope. "Well, I am going to keep the globe and necklace. Thanks but you should be trying harder. You're losing your touch Barton." She finished and walked away towards her bedroom. Great, now I all out of idea and my only hope is Tony. Urgh, I visibly shrug at the idea. This was the best way to crash the remaining 0.5 of pride left in me.

In a final attempt to restore my reputation and pride, I lie in bed thinking of other ways to make it up to her. The events of the past months replayed themselves in my head. Natasha being abducted, me sleeping with Carmen, relief on finding Natasha, hope when Carmen announced she was pregnant, Nat telling me to pursue my happiness, Nat-At this point of time, which is well after dinner, the thought struck me. Natasha asked me to follow and live with Carmen, she almost seemed too happy for me, but then why in the heck of a messed up world was she telling me to apologize to her, even though I know I should. Man, I will never understand women. At first she is happy for me and Carmen and then she leaves and then Carmen confesses that the child wasn't mine and now I have to apologize to Natasha. Am I missing something?

Another hour passes by and I think my brain might just be abused with all this thinking. Well goodbye thinking time and hello confrontation time. I stealthily go over to her bedroom door; stretch my wrist out to knock and the door suddenly flies open before my fist even made contact with the door.

"Seriously Barton, a deaf eighty year old in his grave could hear you." I open and just my mouth. What was I hear for again, because this beautiful lady has to find new ways to distract me. Wearing the simplest peach dress with the necklace I gave her and her hair done just right and the dim light slowly turning brighter in her eyes everyday has me captured like a moth to the flame. She taps her foot impatiently against the mahogany floor and I have to shake my head twice before I go off topic again.

"Nat, this is the last straw. What do you want me do? I am lost, I really am. I mean first you go mute after the whole Jordan thing, then when I tell you I banged Carmen you ask me to raise a family with her. And if that isn't enough you genuinely feel happy about it and then decide to disappear and now you are pinning the whole thing on me? Tell me that the heck did I do and I can actually try and make it up to you. Just tell me, will you?" There everything off my chest. She seems to have gone stoic again, proving that she is trying really hard to mask her feeling. Oh come on.

"Nat I love you and I know I was a fool. It took me a nearly being a father to realize that I am in love with you. It was never Carmen. It was always you, you in the bed next to me, you in my dreams carrying the baby, you-you. Everything was you." Her lips tremble slight and her eyes are glazed over.

"Clint, I will never be able to give you that. I am sorry, I just thought that if I behave and act strange then maybe you will have enough and leave my sorry excuse of existence and-" This was as far as it went before I wrapped my arms around her, mentally bracing myself for that kick she delivers. But surprisingly none came and she hugged me tighter.

"Nat" I pull away resting my hands on her shoulder, forcing her to look my way. Once her orbs are locked on mine, I continue. "Nat, this is stupid you know. I would never, and I mean never replace you for anything in the world. You are marvelous, amazing, inspiring, passionate, and beautiful and there aren't enough words in my vocab to actually describe how incredible you are. And you aren't even broken or incomplete." She tries to turn her head away but my grip is stronger. "Nat, I don't need a family. If I have you by my side when I wake up in the morning, when I need someone to cheer me up, when I want to be loved, then this-this thing between us is all I need. You are all the family I need and I would write it in the stars if I had to. Nat- I love you" Proud that I laid myself open to her, pride level back on to a healthy 39% I waited for her too respond.

"Clint- I don't –I don't know how to love" then I crashed my lips on to her, silencing her bullshit ramble. The kiss was like an oasis in the desert, quenching, satisfying and wholly Natasha when she moved her lips against mine. Estimating that in another ten seconds we would pass out because of the lack of oxygen I pull away just as her eyes flutter open.

"Feel that? That is called love." I tell her and she finds herself agreeing on it.

"I love you too Clint" she finally enunciates those magical words. I wrap her in another embrace and half a kiss. Everything felt all right. Everything was back to the ways it was supposed to be but a little more. "You know Tony was eavesdropping on us the whole time right?"

"As if I could miss that. How about we wait till he falls asleep and then we can take our revenge?" I hum against her ear. She nods.

We go back to my bedroom-no scratch that. We go back to our bedroom and according to JARVIS it was going to be a perfect sunny day tomorrow. He was right. In the end everything was perfect and all I really needed was just her.

THE END.

AN: well that's the end of the story. Thanks for adding this to your favorite list, following and reviewing. You guys are great. And Thanks once again for the amazing journey and all your kindness. Man, who am I kidding? I hardly got any comments. But if you did comment Thanks, it meant the world to me.


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